If Colbert became our president, not only would he look dashingly handsome, but he’d also appoint a kick-ass cabinet that would probably look like this:
Vice President: Jon Stewart
Vice President Jon Stewart would serve as President Colbert’s political “attack dog.” VP Stewart would soon become well-known for having his TiVo-savvy staff digg into archived footage until they found embarrassing video clips of Stephen’s political opponents. These clips would then be aired on national television for all to see. Finally, every time a new, embarrassing clip of a political opponent would emerge, VP Stewart would ridicule the politician utlizing his best Jerry Lewis (and/or guy-from-the-Bronx) impersonation.
Secretary of State: An American Bald Eagle
Secretary Bald Eagle would prevent Iran from attaining nuclear weapons by threatening to use his beak to tear President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s eyeballs out. He’d convince China to seriously address climate change by threatening to scratch President Hu Jintao’s new Prada glasses. And then, finally, he’d single-handedly solve world hunger by regurgitating his already digested food into the mouths of hungry children all over the world.
Secretary of Defense: Bill O’Reilly and Bears
There are only two things that intimidate Stephen Colbert: Bill O’Reilly and bears. So it makes sense that President Colbert would bring the two of them together and put them to the task of protecting America from its enemies.
Only a second after Secretary Bill O’Reilly would take office, his loud, shockingly indimidating voice would be heard around the world. Almost immediately, every country would become quiet and peaceful — because they literally wouldn’t be able to get a word in edgewise.
Meanwhile, every bear in America would replace American troops, and like the Godless Killing Machines they are, would start biting the heads off of anyone who even thought about doing America harm. But things would get challenging for President Colbert when several of the military’s bears would start asking for domestic partner benefits, and the quick repeal of DOHMA, The Defense Of Human Marriage Act.
Secretary of Treasury/Interior/Agriculture/Commerce/Labor/Health/
Housing/Transportation/Energy/Education/VeteransAffairs/the EPA: A Trash Can
To help eliminate America’s deficit problem, President Colbert would throw several government departments—and their respective cabinet positions — into the trash. Then he’d reassign all of their responsibilities to “free market capitalism” and “The Lord.”
Secretary of Homeland Security: The Nation
Always a strong believer in Second Amendment rights, President Colbert would make it a federal law that every American citizen, from the ages of three and up, had to carry a firearm on their person at all times.
That way, if a terrorist ever decided to strike within American soil, President Colbert would just have to make an announcement on national television, and then urge local citizens who spotted the terrorist to make sure they go for the “kill shot.”
