Hello, fellow Comedivas! Time for an annual status update! In my last therapy session, my doctor recommended I start to find ways to find the positive in the things that drive me nuts, which is where today’s Pick comes in. You see, the one thing I hate most in this world is Delay; that is, things that get in my way on my quest to World Domination. The symbol for that in every day life is Apple’s Rainbow Wheel of Death, which never fails to slow me down and WANT TO BURN APPLE HEADQUARTERS TO THE GROUND. But this video finds the light in that wheel, using it as inspiration for a happy dance that gets the whole room rocking. And, being that my computer is currently suffering from mysterious slowness, my little rainbow wheel of death isn’t nearly as fun or relaxing as the dance in the video GOD DAMMIT, SHIRLEY, I KNOW YOU’VE BEEN DOWNLOADING PORN ON MY COMPUTER AND JUST BECAUSE YOUR LIFESTYLE MERITS VIRUSES DOESN’T MEAN EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH SHOULD, TOO.
But anyway, this video and therapy are helping me learn to take a moment before succumbing to my usual whirlwind of wrath by turning something I normally see as wildly and unnecessarily dream-delaying and think of happier —
I AM GOING TO KICK THIS COMPUTER IN THE BALLS. I HATE EVERY COLOR FOR BEING IN THIS AWFUL SPINNING WHEEL. Oh, phew. My screen’s unfrozen. Now, as I was saying, the height of our campaign to successfully relabel the paradigm of feminine YOU REALLY WILL BE A WHEEL OF DEATH ONCE I KILL YOU. Right–feminine comedic presence in an content-driven I WANT TO GO BACK TO THE STONE AGE SO THAT I DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS HORRIBLE COMPUTER.
Okay. I just need to remember what my therapist said. Take a deep breath. Imagine a vast, peaceful ocean. Seagulls cry overhead as I squish sand between my toes. I can even have a pina colada in hand, why not. Breathe in, breathe out. Ah, I feel much better alreaSERIOUSLY WE ARE GOING TO SWITCH TO WINDOWS FUCK YOU STEVE JOBS. ARGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!
(Editor’s Note: This review was uploaded from Shirley’s computer after Ms. Krueger threw hers out the window. She’s on her way to Best Buy now, someone please warn the clerks.)
