This GOP race is starting to get my goat. Specifically, my goat’s uterus. There’s a severe undertow going on, after all the work our Foremothers did in previous Feminist Waves, and it’s starting to look like a War On Women.
What can we do to fight back against the heavy, harrying balls so determined to splooge injustice into our country?
Several democratic women in politics are already fighting back, half-jokingly introducing bills that attempt to put men into our position by limiting their Private Choices, too.
And said women have inspired me. As such, here’re a few “laws” I’d like to see on the floor of every state legislature:
1. Viagra is banned, or at least no longer covered by insurance companies. When God said, “Thou shall be flaccid,” He wanted you to listen. God’s will be done!
2. All excess semen is to be donated to a sperm bank, to avoid Reckless Abandonment/Abortion charges.
3. Before every video of porn (made for men) and/or condom purchase, there must be an hour-long intro featuring basic feminist theory. (As women can’t be trusted with making personal decisions without “all factors concerned,” so men will be interrupted by something undesirable before deciding to partake in an industry that ultimately degrades women.)
4. Aspirin will only be available to women. So we can, you know, put them between our knees. God gave you that headache!
5. When a man’s wife gives birth, said man must go on unpaid paternity leave and take hormone pills that incite lactation.
6. Mandatory rectal exams prior to all lube, condom, and Viagra purchases.
7. Mandatory fertility tests prior to all lube, condom, and Viagra purchases. If a man is deemed infertile, he loses his slut privileges.
8. A riddance of all college fraternities.
9. Only men with abs and a high Hottness Quotient are allowed on TV and in the movies.
10. Vasectomies are banned; or all sperm extracted during a vasectomy is donated to a sperm bank.
What can we do to fight back against the heavy, harrying balls so determined to splooge injustice into our country?
Several democratic women in politics are already fighting back, half-jokingly introducing bills that attempt to put men into our position by limiting their Private Choices, too.
And said women have inspired me. As such, here’re a few “laws” I’d like to see on the floor of every state legislature:
1. Viagra is banned, or at least no longer covered by insurance companies. When God said, “Thou shall be flaccid,” He wanted you to listen. God’s will be done!
2. All excess semen is to be donated to a sperm bank, to avoid Reckless Abandonment/Abortion charges.
3. Before every video of porn (made for men) and/or condom purchase, there must be an hour-long intro featuring basic feminist theory. (As women can’t be trusted with making personal decisions without “all factors concerned,” so men will be interrupted by something undesirable before deciding to partake in an industry that ultimately degrades women.)
4. Aspirin will only be available to women. So we can, you know, put them between our knees. God gave you that headache!
5. When a man’s wife gives birth, said man must go on unpaid paternity leave and take hormone pills that incite lactation.
6. Mandatory rectal exams prior to all lube, condom, and Viagra purchases.
7. Mandatory fertility tests prior to all lube, condom, and Viagra purchases. If a man is deemed infertile, he loses his slut privileges.
8. A riddance of all college fraternities.
9. Only men with abs and a high Hottness Quotient are allowed on TV and in the movies.
10. Vasectomies are banned; or all sperm extracted during a vasectomy is donated to a sperm bank.
