Shirley’s Tip for Self-Esteem: Identity Theft

Whatever.  Let’s get this over with.

It’s a tough world out there.  I mean, with the economy and liquor prices going up and laws about how you have to wear clothes outside, like, all the time.  It’s ridiculous.  It’s enough to get you down on yourself but you can’t let it get to you.  You’ve got to find out what works for you.

Ladies, Gandhi once said, “Be the change you most admire in someone else and rip it off as your own.”  Or some shit like that.  In short, find someone who’s got it going on and mimic them.  Surely, it’ll pay off.

Instead of complaining about having been born short or not getting enough sex because you have a punching problem when you’re loaded blah blah blah, you should be studying someone who has really made it and replace your own identity with theirs.  And don’t stop until you don’t know who you are anymore.

In this broke-ass world of despair, I looked around for someone who’s doing hella awesome.  Who is selling digital crack to the masses?  Who used his awkwardness with people and hijacked an idea that brought revenge and billions?  Mark Damn Zuckerberg, that’s who.
I know what you’re thinking.  He looks like Jesse Eisenberg’s sperm and he’s like an un-funny Woody Allen with the same Asian girl fetish.  But the dude can buy Europe.

***

It’s hard taking on someone’s personality.  Well, it is if you’re sober.  Mainly, you have to be careful not to become obsessed with the person you’re emulating because there are a lot of details you’ve got to get into.

Like, I was going to convert to Judaism, but then heard that Mark said he’s now an atheist.  So … cool.  Less to do.

Did you know he’s colorblind and that’s why most of the interesting colors on Facebook are blue.  Yeah, I know, fascinating, right?  See, this is just the tip of the iceberg of stuff I know about Mark, and I’m gathering more almost minute by minute until I get a chance to meet him face to face.

This whole “500 feet” thing is complete overkill and I know it didn’t come from him but that imposter who lives in his condo and calls herself his girlfriend.  She’s the real intruder.

He’ll get it once he meets me.  Well, we did meet once briefly.  It was sweet the way he was ducking behind his lawyer and security guards.  Like he was playing peekaboo.

[Editor’s Note:  Shirley nodded off for about an hour and then popped up, wiped her face and took a swig from a bottle in a sack.]

So, I hope I’ve helped you with your self-esteem problems.  When you feel bad, decide to be someone more interesting than yourself and your day will go way better.  That, or you’ll confuse the hell out of your co-workers and your parole officer.  But, most importantly, the only person who is going to love you is you, or people that you pay to love you, like Angelina Jolie or Faye Dunaway.

So Frida just came in to show me the photos online where Katy Perry visited Mark at his Facebook Headquarters in Palo Alto.  That’s interesting how she’s holding his — GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF OF HIM, B*TCH!