Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: There is an imbalance in your life lately, but remember, as with the side ponytail and the off-the-shoulder sweatshirt, sometimes asymmetry can work to your advantage.
Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: When life slaps you in the face, slap it right back… like a slap bracelet! Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: You’re down with OPP, but not everybody else is, so watch out, before Things That Make You Say Hmm get you into trouble… that girl is poison. Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: To help you with your huge workload this week, you are going to invent a girl robot, who won’t really help that much with your workload, but will sure make for some good twenty minute anecdotes. Huhn, small wonder.
Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: Talk to the hand. Poof, be gone! Homey don’t play that. [Editor’s Note: Evidently, you dissed Shirley somehow. Make it up to her by sending a six-pack of Zima.]
Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: This week will be a little bit like the evolution of rap: it will start out really tame and child-friendly, but by the weekend, there will be gun fights, lotsa f*cking, and a load of drugs and money passed around. (This is what happens when pent-up day care teachers take a Vegas weekend.)
Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: You’ve found that, as you mature, your goals in life have shifted. This is natural: remember when everything was “blue raspberry”? Now it is açai. Sunrise, sunset.Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: Everyone around you is aware of the emotional difficulties you’ve been having since you wear your heart on your sleeve. And, in that hypercolor t-shirt, everyone can see
where your boss touched you inappropriately.
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: Lately, you’ve been down about your dysfunctional family. Remember to be grateful for what you have, even if your Dad’s an alcoholic, at least he’s not an alien who communicates to you through a glowing cube.Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: You’ve got some deadlines to meet, but take it easy with the caffeine, or you’ll have a Jessie Spano meltdown. I’m so excited, I’m so excited… I’m so… scared! Ophichus [?*&!]: Wow, you are SO cool… NOT!!!
****
can i just say how honored i am by the fact that my favorite Saved By the Bell moment of all time is listed under my sign?
magic.
thank you, Shirley.
we have some kind of cosmic connection.