Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: Give up control this week — you might not hold the reigns, but you’re being taken in a direction you want to go. That’s right: your kidnappers are going to CABO! MAJOR BONUS!
Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: As we approach the equinox, balance will begin to appear. Namely, the new bartender at Happy Hour knows the perfect Jack to Coke ratio. Crucial.
Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: Venus and Jupiter continue being all intense, while you sit on the sidelines yet again. Let loose—do some shots and dance on the bar. Venus and Jupiter aren’t the only ones who can shake it, those stuck up bitches!
Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: You’ll have to swallow a bitter pill this week, but remember that it’s worth the effort. The hallucinations are gonna be totally bomb.
Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: Negativity begets negativity, and positive energy attracts positive things. So, instead of acting like a bastard this week, give everyone cookies, and you’ll totally get head sometime along the way. It’s in “The Secret.” [Editor’s Note: It isn’t.]
Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: Allow the full moon in your sign to guide you this week. It’s saying “get the blue ones.” Oh, and it says “get Shirley a bologna sandwich from 7-11 and a Mickey’s.” That part’s coming across really strong.
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: An old drama is repeating this week, but you’ll be able to see how you can add new depth and intensity. It’s been quite some time since you dated your high school fling, and let’s just say you learned a thing or two during that stint in Thailand. You know I’m right.
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: Believe in your dreams this week, and in the dreams of others. Maybe it is a good time to shop at Whole Foods in your panties with your elementary school gym teacher while two attractive men from the DMV compete for your affection in a joust in the produce aisle. [Editor’s Note: It’s never a good time for that.]
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: Be honest with yourself: you can’t sing that “Heart” song well in karaoke, no matter how much you think you “own” it. Do another sake bomb and move along to the old school rap.
Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: Love means never having to say you’re sorry … unless that love leads to a burning sensation. Oops.
Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: The full moon triggers a deep personal process this week. Looks like it’s time to set aside an afternoon for some serious hair removal.
Ophichus [?*&!]: The full moon wants you to go fuck yourself.
