Shirley’s Bitter Horrorscopes – Week of October 17, 2011
Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: You don’t have to achieve the impossible this week, just do what’s feasible. We all wish we could put our legs over our heads, but start with some simple hip openers and it will be deeply appreciated. Deeply.
Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: Gradually this week, a baffling situation will be clarified. That second bulge you thought you felt? Actually a very ambitious mole.
Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: This week, look past the superficial and delve further to find the truth. Your roommate’s cat is throwing up on your bed for a reason, and it’s not just because you’re feeding it sugar-free brownies. [Editor’s Note: that is actually probably why.]
Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: Looks like this week, you’ve gotta eat your humble pie and revisit an old idea you previously rejected. That’s right, it’s annual buttsex day. Break out the pinot and muscle relaxers!
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: Most of us have a bark worse than our bite. You, however, have already proven this tragically wrong during the fellatio disaster of ’96.
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: Sometimes, a silly decision winds up being a wise one. So don’t immediately write off investing in those oversized novelty tampons. The world works in mysterious ways.
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: You’ve put yourself under an incredible amount of scrutiny this week, but you need to be more forgiving. Except for your hair. WTF is up with THAT mess?
Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: Things can never be the way they were, so you’ll have to stop pining for the past. You’re too big for the ballpit at the McDonalds play-place, and if you drunkenly wedge yourself in the slide, it will only get you arrested. And by you, I mean me. Last Thursday.
Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: Are you pursuing a controversial goal? Stay true to your vision, there will always be haters. Making a pot-infused absinthe is fahreakin genius.
Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: Take your time this week. You tend to be romantic and impulsive, but adopting a boa constrictor to complete your Britney Halloween outfit might not work out in the long run.
Ophicus [?*&!]: You’re worse than trying to practice Kegels in rush hour traffic during an NPR pledge drive.
