Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: Nothing lasts forever, and that includes your “special relationship” with your landlord. A foot fetish will only get you so many months of rent.Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: You need to shake off the past to start your new future. So dye that hair, get that fake ID, and pray nobody recognizes you from the evening news: it’s a whole new you!
Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: In your heart, you know what you must do. But your loins are super into something else. Find the balance this week with some creative webstreaming.
Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: The phrase “if you build it, they will come” takes on new meaning this week when you start up your sex tent project.
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: This week, lower your expectations and you’ll be happier on the whole. (And the hole.) Some penis is better than none, right?
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: Get in touch with your humanity this week. That homeless dude off the freeway is just as in need of that booze as you are.
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: It’s time to look at the big picture: if you pay your rent, you’ll just get a month of shelter. Oh, but if you bought those DRUGS, you could have a night of a lifetime!!
Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: This week, you’re in danger of undervaluing your assets and exaggerating someone else’s. Just remember: it couldn’t be a threesome if there weren’t three of you. Plus, your ass is super hot.
Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: No one wants to look their age, but remember, age brings wisdom. It’s how you know what pills you no longer can mix with your afternoon martinis. No one likes getting rushed to the hospital more than three times for the same reason.
Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: You tend to get nostalgic about the “good old days.” Well, just remember, those days involved a significant amount of human trafficking and questionable acts with rodeo clowns. There’s no such thing as free blow.
Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: It’s time to be brave and admit the truth to someone in your life. Odds are, your drug dealer knows you’re not really a famous European DJ: he’s seen your apartment, and you’re not impressing anyone.
Ophicus [?*&!]: You’re less impressive than Kim Kardashian’s marriage.
