Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: You’re being led towards the source of a great gift, don’t question it. So what if it’s by a moleman and you’re in a tunnel in the bowels of the subway system? Most likely, it will end with a killer secret rave, like in The Matrix! [Editor’s Note: Please do not follow molemen without a buddy.]Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: It’s time to break some rules the right way. Don’t shit where you eat? Not anymore! So long as you eat before you wipe.
Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: You don’t know what you can do until you try. Of course, this is also how you wound up in the ER with an extremely pulled groin, so proceed with caution.
Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: Ignoring something unpleasant won’t make it go away. Like that smell in your car … the longer you wait, the worse that abandoned bologna sandwich is gonna get. Better find it before it’s too late.
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: Some things are inevitable. Like that douchebag you keep booty calling. You just spent the night drinking SoCo with your girls and the cell phone’s beckoning. Don’t try to resist.
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: All roads lead to Rome. And all trips to the gay bar end with you not wearing underwear. Know the path you’re on.
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: Are you creating a solution or new troubles? Fixing your own garbage disposal while on E is maybe not going to turn out so well. Though a trip to Home Depot on E is awesome!!! SO MANY TYPES OF BOLTS!!!
Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: Sometimes, even when you know the answer, you might have to bluff. All depends on the question. Like, “Have you been drinking,” or “Is that your real name”, or “You didn’t steal this car, did you?”
Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: You’re worried about saying the right thing this week, but there is no right way to ask, “So, were you once a lady?” If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: Something you considered a failure will lead to success. That hot guy who rejected you? Totally has a rampant case of the herp.
Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: Two wrongs don’t make a right. They do, however, describe your weekend with Jersey Tom and his “Fun Room.”
Ophicus [?*&!]: Your approval rating is worse than Congress. [Editor’s Note: Shirley has taken to passing out with the news on.]
