Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: The New Moon is making you feel passionate about a close, personal connection to something. Just remember, they haven’t legalized marriage to plants. Yet.
Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: Overcome your uncertainty, Virgo! Next time that androgynous she-male at the convience store give you the eye, nut up and cop a feel. Trust me, you’ll be glad you did. Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: You’re feeling very nurturing this week Libra, but resist the urge to go off your BC and adopt a kitten instead. Or better yet, a cactus. Because we both know you’d make a terrible mother. Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: Read the fine print this week, if you want to avoid big consequences. My cousin Harriet didn’t, and that’s how she wound up with the sex change. True story. [Editor’s Note: Not a true story.] Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: Something deeply profound will touch your heart this week. Deeply. Profound. And by “touch your heart” I mean “pound your cervix.” Capisce? Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: This week, you’ll see a familiar someone in a whole new light. Second cousins aren’t real cousins after all, and like, you just want to bone, not have babies, so, it’s totally cool. Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: Your astrological outlook is brightening! You know what that means: your outbreak will be going into remission any day now! Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: Your week is going to be full of thought-provoking discoveries. That mole, for example? Actually a nipple. Boom, just laid some truth on ya.
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Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: Last week, you killed Osama bin Laden, which is kind of like killing Hitler, so now you’re like the best president EVER. But you can’t save the world every day! This week, focus on local issues: what’s up with these gas prices, am I right? For that money, I should be getting a complementary HJ. [Editor’s Note: Shirley appears to think that all Leos are Barack Obama]
Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: Overcome your uncertainty, Virgo! Next time that androgynous she-male at the convience store give you the eye, nut up and cop a feel. Trust me, you’ll be glad you did. Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: You’re feeling very nurturing this week Libra, but resist the urge to go off your BC and adopt a kitten instead. Or better yet, a cactus. Because we both know you’d make a terrible mother. Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: Read the fine print this week, if you want to avoid big consequences. My cousin Harriet didn’t, and that’s how she wound up with the sex change. True story. [Editor’s Note: Not a true story.] Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: Something deeply profound will touch your heart this week. Deeply. Profound. And by “touch your heart” I mean “pound your cervix.” Capisce? Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: This week, you’ll see a familiar someone in a whole new light. Second cousins aren’t real cousins after all, and like, you just want to bone, not have babies, so, it’s totally cool. Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: Your astrological outlook is brightening! You know what that means: your outbreak will be going into remission any day now! Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: Your week is going to be full of thought-provoking discoveries. That mole, for example? Actually a nipple. Boom, just laid some truth on ya.
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: With Venus in your sign, your charm is unstoppable this week. Benefits? An extra few bagels in your dozen, talking your way out of traffic tickets and — bueno! — a pack of Slim Jims thrown in with your liquor order. Snap into life, Aries!
Ophichus [?*&!]: Once, when I was little, I had this imaginary friend who I invented just so whenever I farted I could pretend it was in her mouth, because she SUCKED. You know what her name was? OPHICHUS.****
If only I had a sexy British neighbor…
Shirley! Finally throwin’ some love my way this week. I look forward to the extra bagels.
I’m starting to get the feeling you hate Aquarians, Shirley. 😉