Shirley’s Bitter Horrorscopes – Week of May 30, 2011

Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]:  You’ve got a lot on your plate this week, Libra.  Maybe you should try smaller portion sizes … just sayin.  Those pants did not shrink in the wash.

Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]:  We all have the tendency to blame other people for our problems.  Take responsibility for your shit this week.  Unless it’s an intimacy issue, that you can blame on your Dad.

Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]:  This week, Saturn insists that you make a well-thought out plan instead of panicking and doing something overly impulsive.  But SATURN never accidentally dyed Saturn’s neighbor’s poodle’s hair purple, DID Saturn?

Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]:  It doesn’t matter what you’ve got, but how you work it.  This applies to your impending seduction of Carlos the bellhop as well as a creative moment you will have with him when you get locked nude in a closet and you have to rely on a bobby pin to escape.

Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]:  Soon the opportunity to change something in your life forever will arise.  This is not, however, a boob job … did you know you have to like, redo those every ten years?  What the eff, right?

Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]:  Something seemingly unimpressive this week will reap incredible results.  (Dudes with microdicks reeeally know how to work the tongue, read me?)

Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]:  Certain individuals think you’re trying too hard and pushing too far, but you know what you want and are going to achieve it!  Just don’t get all rapey like last time.

Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]:  As you pursue your dream, focus on what can be done, not what cannot.  As I come from a long line of circus folk, I can assure you, it is absolutely possible to grow a tail.

Ophichus [?*&!]:  You’re dealing with feelings of inferiority because you’re not a real Zodiac sign and no one reads you.  These feelings are correct:  Suck on it.

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