Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: You’ve been nurturing a blossom that will bring forth glorious fruit: this week is looking VERY promising in terms of becoming orgasmic. Keep on truckin.
Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: Life is full of questions, and sometimes there don’t seem to be any good answers. Like, “Why was I born a woman?” or “Is that secretion normal?” This week, find certainty in uncertainty. Except for the secretions thing, that I think the doctor can help you with. Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: Usually they say, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, but after a few assault charges, you’re probs better off just joining ‘em instead. Unless “beat” means handjob, because that’s super worth the investment of time to maintain independence, right?
Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: You’re having a major case of déjà vu this week, Scorpio. Well, it’s accurate because that “stranger” you just banged actually was Mr. Belding from Saved By the Bell. (You DID recognize him!) Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: You put on a brave front to protect yourself from others. This week, the planets are aligned to bring out a more vulnerable side to you. Trust in this, and show some more of yourself. But not that much, that’s a nipple. Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: This week, take the subtle approach to a sensitive issue, instead of your usual direct route. The raccoon that lives in your trash can won’t react well to direct hand-to-hand combat. Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: You’re capable of more than you realize, and more than other people give you credit for. My bet’s on you as pinch hitter in your keg race this weekend … who says you gotta weigh over 150 to hold your own? Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: Instead of overanalyzing, you need to relax. This is why you have a hard time peeing at the office.
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: You’ve been very rigid in your assumptions lately, but free your mind: some Republicans LOVE performing cunnilingus.
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]:
Something you’ve set into motion is going to have an avalanche effect. Sadly for that mountain village, it’s an actual avalanche. Keep your impromptu hiking trip on the DL. Ophichus [?*&!]: [Editor’s Note: Evidently, to Shirley, a picture of Mr. Belding is the ultimate insult.]
****
Shirley, how dare you try to guess my weight? No beer keg for YOU!
hiking trip? what hiking trip? …shhhh…