Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: You’re known for your diligence and organizational skills, which brings us to a very important question: could you do my taxes? They’re like, way overdue, and all I have is a shoebox of receipts from the liquor store. Liquor is a work expense, right?
Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: Ok, Leo, so you’re a great lay, quit bragging. Tone down the ego this week to keep your friends from resenting you … especially the one whose boyfriend you cheated with. She knows all too well how good you are.
Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: You’re feeling impatient this week for something to happen. Remember the saying, “a watched pot never boils?” Yeah, that’s bullshit. I just did it last night. So, stick with it. You’ve got physics and shit on your side. Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: There’s no such thing as a done deal … the world is full of possibilities and uncertainty. That is, except for good old Mr. Hitachi — that magic wand always takes your calls. Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: This week, an unexpected surprise will give you a well-deserved break from a stressful time. Read: an accidental shipment of nitrous intended for the dentist’s office across the block! Lucky bitch. Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: You’re feeling restless at night, and have noticed a lot of your food is going missing when you wake up. I would consider a new sleep medication. Once, on Ambien, I cooked a whole pot of pasta and ate it without knowing. If I gave a shit about carbs, I woulda been PISSED. Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: This week, remind yourself of the difference between being helpful versus being exploited. The dom-sub relationship is supposed to be fun for you, not an unpaid internship. Doing someone’s dry cleaning is not erotic. Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: We all know our strong points and our weak points, but the best points of all are the ones that get you all tingly when you tickle them. Don’t undervalue them. Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: Some dude said something like “the best laid schemes of mice and men often go askew.” This week, your scheme to get best laid will only go askew in the sense that it will involve a very limber gymnast: success! Don’t worry, no mice are involved. This time. Ophichus [?*&!]: Even babies hate you.
Photo Source: graphicshunt.comAries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: You’ve got a laser focus this week on something that needs to get done. Believe in yourself and you will achieve it! Bikini lines don’t wax themselves.
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Listen Kosha, sometimes, when you’re reading the zodiac, it requires a decent amount of Jaeger. And sometimes, you pass out in the middle of writing and wake up and your scopes are online, but Leo’s gone. Then you find it on a bar napkin stuck to your face and you text it to Betty, who let me just say, was NOT pleased. In the end, Shirley’s got your back. Eventually.
Wait, is it me? Or is LEO missing?