Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: The best things in life come as unpredictable surprises, like outdoor sex. Always carry a condom in your wallet though, because other unpredictable surprises can be the worst things in life.Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: You need to make a decision now, while you still have the power to shape your life. Otherwise, time will run its course, and maybe your indecision will result in a whole new Hitler coming to power, and then how would you feel? Shitty, that’s how. Don’t let Hitler happen … go to Home Depot this weekend and finish your bathroom remodeling.
Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: Throw out your plans this week, you’re gonna improvise! If you tell everyone that, they’ll forgive you when you fuck up a lot. They’re like, “Well, this is improvised, so I guess it’s pretty good for something someone just made up.” That’s why you can’t tell the difference between shitty jazz and good jazz.
Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: You’re at a time in life when you’re no longer young enough to act like a tool, but haven’t quite attained the “wisdom of age.” Fuck it: move to LA, and you can act like a tool well past wrinkles.
Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: You’ve been bumming out lately, but events this week will remind you of all you have to be grateful for. This means you’ll probably run into the guy who has no face again.
Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: Something magical is making its way into your world, and it’s coming on fast. That’s right, you’re gonna have a one-night stand with a centaur! Lucky.
Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: Now is the time to take back the reigns of your life; you’ve felt pushed around too long! You’re in charge! Now, go make me a sandwich, b*tch.
Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: Enough is enough. You have to draw a line in the sand: There are some things you just won’t do, regardless of how much lube is involved. Make a mental note and stick to it.
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: When life gets calm, you tend to stir up excitement, just to make things interesting. This week, try to suppress this tendency: a funeral is not the right place to attempt a mosh pit.
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: You love someone, and they love you back, and that’s all you really need in life, don’t overthink it. But do tip well.
Ophichus [?*&!]: 
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