Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: What are you doing right now? Do you like it? If not, stop! Unless you’re getting paid. Then it means it’s your job. Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: Follow your dreams, because if you truly believe in them, they will come true! Based on this, I strongly dissuade you from following that creepy sex dream about the circus acrobats and House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, because it WILL happen. Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: There is no reason to feel so mistrustful of people. Wasn’t it YOU, after all, who drunkenly ate the second half of your roommate’s Subway sandwich? Party foul. Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: This week, you’re experiencing everything with a bit of a delay. So don’t be surprised when that “homemade cheese” you thought you got away with eating takes its revenge this Saturday. Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: Changes are coming this week, but you’ve gotta roll with them to survive. If all the liquor store’s got on clearance is Ouzo, it’s time to expand your palette. Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: Sometimes, what feels right is right, and what doesn’t, isn’t. That hole? Not your vagina. Just btw. Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: You can do a lot this week, but remember, you can’t do it all. Or should I say, them. But three guys in a day? Acceptable.
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: Don’t settle for second best this week. You deserve the best: get that lube from Babeland. CVS knows about as much about a wet vagina as I know about the Louisiana Purchase.
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: This week, you’ll be dealing with issues that are timeless: doggy style, or reverse cowgirl? Remember, you don’t always have to choose.
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: We’re celebrating Independence Day this week, and now it’s time for YOU to declare independence … from sobriety. Land of the free, home of the 40!
Ophichus [?*&!]:
Photo Source: fakechineserubberplant.com
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Finally a REAL one.