Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: You’re feeling a little vulnerable in your current situation, but from the outside, other people can clearly see your circumstances as enviable. In many circles, it would be considered an honor to be so thoughtfully tied up. You’re not even chafing!
Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: The change in your life this week is more a shift in perspective than circumstances. Unfortunately, that means the guy you randomly met on the subway and super slutty-style boned in an alley is totally your new brother-in-law. But we’ve all been there.
Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: Are you being reasonable? This week, check your biases: is it really that important to be sober during a religious ceremony? I say no.
Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: Capricorns are known for being reasonable and cautious, which will serve you well this week, when your emergency EpiPen saves you from a gnarly reaction caused by a flavored lube you’re surprised with.
Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: You’ve been putting a lot of pressure on external factors for your satisfaction, but remember that you have the power to please yourself … that’s why God made opposable thumbs.
Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: Lately, it’s been really hard to relax because of your tense living situation, but we all know the stress of moving out is financially and logistically overwhelming. That’s why I recommend roofies. For yourself, and to slip into your cunt roommate’s evening cocktail. She’ll never remember who “didn’t take out the garbage again.”
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: Planet Uranus is stationary in your sign. You know what that means: major buttplay.
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: Sometimes a surprise can be a good thing. But not this week, when you find that thing you ate was not by any means food.
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: Stop worrying about the destination and enjoy the journey. I’m just taking a quick detour to my dealer.
Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: Lately, you’ve been making mountains out of molehills. Or should I say, moles out of third nipples. Skip the mind games and embrace reality — Mark Wahlberg’s got one too.
Ophichus [?*&!]: You are, what the French call, les incompetents. [Editor’s Note: Sometimes Shirley likes to drink a handle of Jack and quote Home Alone.]
I mean, when else would you quote Home Alone? 😉
I love that Shirley quoted Home Alone for Ophichus. Clearly her inner child is scratching to get out when she drinks Jack.