Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: This week, it’s time for a tactful chat. Inform your booty call that, while it’s flattering, those are your underwear, and were not designed to have balls smushed into them.
Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: You’re being pulled in many directions this week, what will you choose? Follow your heart: it will always point you down the right path. Or was that an erection? Either way, something’s pointing somewhere worth going.
Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: A little bit can go a long way to make you happy. Remember this when you’re dropping acid… you can definitely have too much of a good thing.
Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: You are at the start of an exciting adventure! (I tell myself this every time I have to run from the cops, too.)
Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: Some people make mountains out of molehills. If only this were possible with small penises. Just remember… everything feels bigger in the backdoor.
Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: Something sweet and simple is coming into your life this week, it’s up to you to step aside and keep it uncomplicated. Whiskey’s meant to be drunk neat.
Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: What would you do if you were someone else? You will find out this week when you find you’ve spent $432 on drapes at JC Penny. Identity theft: life’s least sexy role-playing.
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: There is great potential in this week for a small wish to turn into something real. Yes, if you keep drunkenly dancing on tables, they will eventually hire you on as a stripper. Consider it a working audition.
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: Patience is a virtue, and all good things come to those who wait. This will help this week when explaining why your rent’s late to your landlord and how your yeast infection hasn’t cleared up yet to your fuck buddy.
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. Which is why you will challenge this horse to a drinking contest and WIN. Free nachos tonight!
Ophichus [?*&!]: Hey, nice self portrait, NUTSACK.
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