Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: Sometimes you’ve got to be cruel to be kind. So just get over it and smack the guy already. He’s like, begging you. Some like it rough.
Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: You’re tempted to engage with a source of irritation this week. That unmarked bottle of pills did not work out last week, it’s not gonna be different this time. Unless, of course, you mix it with whiskey. That might help!
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: Something that’s causing you a world of pain this week is actually inconsequential in the big picture. That can totally get removed without anesthesia, even. Right? Mind blowing.
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: You’re feeling super happy this week, but maybe don’t burst into song about it at work. It would be really awkward, seeing as you are a gynecologist.
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: Read between the lines this week. That being, you’ve got a LOT of cramming for finals to do, and that Adderall will get to your brain faster if you snort it.
Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: Certain people are doubting your abilities this week. Well, clearly they didn’t know you back when you were the Meth Queen of Cincinnati. You can do ANYTHING.
Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: You’re having a really tough time of things lately, but don’t worry, things will lighten up soon. Your Dungeon Master has just been working through some emotional blocks and it’s gotta go somewhere.
Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: The one constant thing in life is change. This week, decide if you want to make a big change or a little one. We’re talking haircut versus gender reassignment. The range is pretty major.
Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: Right now, you need to be bold and innovative, not reserved and conservative. Yup, it’s time for some advanced sex moves!
Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: You’re emotionally generous, and have an intuitive understanding of exactly what other people need. Which is exactly why you’re gonna bring a bag of weed next time we hang out. Riiiiight?
Ophicus [?*&!]: You will make progress this week, when you go from being a total douchebag to just a douchenozzle. Oh wait. That’s a lateral move. Lame ass.
