Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: The problem with things we don’t know is that we don’t know we don’t know them. So I’ll save you the trouble: you’re double-jointed. Now, go experiment.
Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: This week, you should let sleeping dogs lie. By this, I mean the ugly dude you’ll hook up with. Otherwise, he’ll want to “get coffee” and talk about “feelings.” Ew.
Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: It seems like you’re being stretched in every direction. Really, it’s just because you drank wine with your new medication. It’ll wear off, I’ve so been there.
Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: Mars and Pluto are in opposition in your sign, which means this week’s gonna be a shit sandwich. I recommend unlimited Netflix and a handful of whatever you found in your old aunt’s medicine cabinet (you KNOW she’s not that cheerful naturally).
Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: All the world’s a stage … especially when you forget to shut your blinds. Be aware that your neighbor’s kids are SUPER curious. But I guess they gotta learn sometime, and this way, you’ll occupy a very special place in their developing psyches…
Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: Honor and respect your deepest emotions. You might claim you think tentacle hentai is fucked up, but you know you secretly wanna bang an octopus.
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: You’ve been trying to blame everyone but yourself for your current situation. But you’re the one who just HAD to see if you could recreate that ping pong ball trick you saw on your trip to Thailand.
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: You’re letting someone take advantage of you this week: you have the control to take back the reigns. It’s called a “power bottom.”
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: Everything is complicated this week. That’s what you get for playing with a Chinese fingertrap with your feet.
Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: You need practical solutions and conscious compromises this week. So that “genius” plan you came up with while on mushrooms to make a million dollars by canning your own tomatoes is probably not the best route.
Ophichus [?*&!]: Hey, check this out.
[Editor’s note: Shirley proceeded to make a vagina with her hands and make profane gestures at the camera of her laptop.]
