Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: You’re feeling frustrated at your current lack of control. Don’t worry: that pill will wear off in about six hours. Now: to find your way back from the desert…
Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: As a Scorpio, all you ever want to know is the score. Well, it’s 5-2. Now, stop asking everyone and get back to your family dinner.
Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And you are wearing dirty underwear. Way to have a fresh start, Vagittarius.
Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: Even if your thoughts are fuzzy, you know inside what you REALLY want. And his name is Alphonse. Just because you met him in a homeless shelter doesn’t mean it’s a bad idea. [Editor’s Note: Actually, it probably does.]
Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: This week brings a chance to fulfill a desire and satisfy a need — so that curiosity about golden showers is going to be realized when you get trapped in the elevator with a full bladder and your kinky alt neighbor.
Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: A helpful link from Mars to Jupiter suggests if you can understand your desires, you will see a way to get them. It also very helpfully suggests using baking soda to reduce the swelling on that bee sting you weirdly got on your butt. I’m going to guess that was your desire?
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: You’re doing your best, and it’s about to pay off: somewhere, someone just referred to you as “The Blow Job Queen.” Congratulations.
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: You’ve been giving your all and keeping none for yourself … so allow yourself a little sense of entitlement this week: who needs a Staples when you’ve got an office supply closet?
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: Go beyond your fear of failure and you will find success: so what if you think you’ll look stupid in that sexy outfit? If you fail at hot, you will succeed as hilarious.
Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: Mars is passing through your sign. Either that, or you ate a LOT of Mexican food recently. Don’t go too far from a toilet.
Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: Far more is possible than you once thought. You’ll discover this when you wake from a blackout and find your ENTIRE spice rack has been alphabetized. Sweet!
Ophichus [?*&!]: All signs point to DEEZ NUTS.
