Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: We’re all created equal. It’s just that some of us have giant dicks. You know who you are — own it.
Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: Your friends are being cunts this week, except for your BFF. Yes, your Bottle of Fine Firewhiskey: it will never complain about your blackouts.
Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: The best things in life are free … which is why, no matter how you spin it, the hot dogs you steal from the 7-11 will always be more delicious than the ones you make at home.
Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: This week, let a little more time pass. Seriously. That fart smells like a dead whale, you don’t need to share it with the world.
Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: Generosity abounds in your sign this week … sooo … you gonna eat that? [Editor’s Note: Comediva accepts no responsibility for Shirley eating your sandwich.]
Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: Don’t doubt your recent decision: that tattoo is going to look AWESOME when you’re 75. Genitals don’t get saggy like boobs.
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: Mercury’s in retrograde, which explains why your period’s late. Mercury just loooves to fuck with your cycle, man.
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: A recent dilemma will be resolved this week when you decide to go commando and drop the boxer-brief debate altogether.
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: From something bad, something good will emerge … i.e. that sex tape is going to make you an instant internet celebrity, and the guy at the local donut shop will give you free coffees from now on. Score!
Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: Looks like you’ve got a fairy godmother in your path this week. AKA your drag queen friend Mario is going to hook you up with some E this weekend. Love those fairy godmothers.
Ophichus [?*&!]: Mercury is ALWAYS in retrograde for you, lametard!
