Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: It isn’t always easy to make the right decision, and this week is no exception. But, fuck it: fill up your flask and go see Cowboys and Aliens. That’s clearly the best decision EVER.
Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: This week, you’ll put yourself between a rock and a hard place. No, really, you’re going to wake up pinned under a boulder after that insane bachelorette party in Yosemite. So make sure your cell’s all charged up.
Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: It’s been said that leopards don’t change their spots. This is also true of your trashy roommate who always wears that leopard thong. While that means she’s totally gonna be late on rent again, it also means that she’s already got a joint and a highball filled with absinthe and Sprite waiting for you. Who needs rent when you have an afternoon of oblivion?
Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: This week, I foresee hope and inspiration after angst and aggravation. That d-bag of a first date is going to be ferociously into cunnilingus. Which is great, because he won’t be able to go on and on about his “service work” in “Africa” with his mouth full of your cooch.
Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: Life is not just black and white: which will be very clear when you hook up with that half-Asian half-Lebanese mystery, who seems like a good person but has a fetish for foot porn.
Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: Your life is poised for something big, you just need a little push. And maybe a handful of muscle relaxers. Those help in this situation.
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: You don’t understand why you’re being made to feel foolish. That’s because you can’t see the sign taped to your back.
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: Be careful how you use your words this week. More specifically, how you text them — an ill-timed SMS from your boss can seriously throw off your sexting game.
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: Finding yourself in a delicate situation, you feel inclined to make a decisive move. Just be careful before you do — that infection isn’t going to heal itself.
Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: Venus remains in your sign, which means the power to change your life is in your hands. I’m gonna go ahead and say that equates to giving a handy to a very connected person in your line of business. Go get ’em, tiger!
Ophichus [?*&!]: Douche.
