Shirley’s Bitter Horrorscopes – Week of April 18, 2011


Cancer [June 22 – July 22]:  This week, remember that style with no substance loses in the end.  That’s why a chili cheese dog from that illegal food truck tastes so much better than that fancy crap from the expensive restaurant Katharine’s gay blind date bought for our gay beach picnic.  There wasn’t a lot of substance going on there either.  And by substance, I mean erections.

Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]:  You’re worried about getting rejected, but what’s the point in that?  Remember, if you don’t put yourself out there, then you’ll never get laid.  Follow the Shirley plan: proposition everyone, and at the end of the night, someone’s gonna be game.

Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]:  Mercury’s in retrograde for you, which means you can act like a total bitchface to everyone and be all, “Sorry, Mercury’s in retrograde.  Normally, I’m so nice.”

Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]:  You’re having a difficult time communicating with someone these days, Libra.  Maybe that’s because you never picked a safe word.  My personal favorite is “toaster oven.”  Nothing sexy about that.

Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]:  You’re going to have to work hard for your success, Scorpio.  Don’t give up after the first CVS doesn’t let you buy more than one pack of Sudafed.  YOU CAN MAKE THIS WORK.

Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]:  Why does everything have to be one or the other extreme with you, Sag?  Just ’cause you experimented that one time doesn’t mean you gotta put a label on it.  And similarly, just because I “borrowed” that 50 bucks without asking does not make me a thieving cunt.

Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]:  This week, you will have to break a vicious cycle.  Instead of drinking ’til you blackout and drunk-dialing your ex for a booty call, try drinking earlier in the day, so you fall asleep and wake up at 9 p.m. and make a SOBER booty call.

Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]:  Careful, Aquarius, of a wolf in sheep’s clothing this week.  My guess is this has something to do with that Furry party you were planning on attending.

 Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]:  When Venus is in your sign, life is blessed.  And when penis is in your sign, life is even better.  Break out the bulk-sized lube, Pisces, it’s time to get some action!

Ophichus [?*&!]:  [Editor’s Note:  This week, Shirley pasted a picture from the grocery store.]   

eggplantPhoto Credit: Jackie Brechner  

   
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]:  Give most of your attention today to the obvious.  As in, obvs, you should not have given that homeless dude your phone number.

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