Shirley’s Bitter Horrorscopes – April 4, 2011


Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]:  Recently, you’ve lost sight of your limitations.  This is most likely due to over-usage of psychotropic drugs.  Once, in Amsterdam, I spent a day and a half staring at the crazy intense-looking chick in the window, which was actually my reflection in a mirror.  So remember:  It’s your hand when it’s on your arm.

Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]:  The time has come for you to make a decisive decision, Taurus.  You can stay or go, but you’ve gotta choose now.  If you choose to leave, I recommend selling your car on Craigslist.  To me.

Gemini [May 21 – June 21]:  The more time passes, the more things stay the same.  At least that’s what you think until you notice your tits are starting to sag.  Bummerama.

Cancer [June 22 – July 22]:  Things are kind of hazy right now.  For me, we call that “the morning,” and by morning, I mean 1 p.m.  Take an aspirin, drink a coffee with some hair of the dog, and get ready for your cell phone.  There are going to be a lot of calls you did NOT remember making.  Trust me.

Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]:  Someone keeps telling you what you can or cannot do.  So I say: fuck ’em.  Blue laws in your state?  Buenos dias, tequila sunrise!  Married?  Heard of the movie Hall Pass?  Yeah, me neither, but I have heard of Adult Friend Finder.  Aw, word.

Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]:  There’s a serious source of discomfort in your life right now, Virgo.  I recommend increasing your fiber intake and drinking lots of water.  No one enjoys an inside-out asshole.

Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]:  Relax, breathe … and while you’re at it, do some whippits.  You’re freaking the fuck out right now, so a 10-second bout of the giggles induced by a canister of joy-gas can only help.

Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21] The truth will set you free.  Unless it’s about the “Tijuana incident” from Spring Break ‘97 … that I would just keep to myself.

Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]:  The stars are telling you to “just go with it.”  I interpret this to mean that they want you to go see that whackass Jennifer Aniston/Adam Sandler movie in a second-run theatre while you give your booty call a handie in the back row.

Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]:  Understanding is the key to freedom.  This is exactly what you will say to your roommate when she angrily wakes you up from your naked coma in a puddle of vomit in your living room on the weekend her parents are visiting.


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