Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: Recently, you’ve lost sight of your limitations. This is most likely due to over-usage of psychotropic drugs. Once, in Amsterdam, I spent a day and a half staring at the crazy intense-looking chick in the window, which was actually my reflection in a mirror. So remember: It’s your hand when it’s on your arm.
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: The time has come for you to make a decisive decision, Taurus. You can stay or go, but you’ve gotta choose now. If you choose to leave, I recommend selling your car on Craigslist. To me.
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: The more time passes, the more things stay the same. At least that’s what you think until you notice your tits are starting to sag. Bummerama.
Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: Things are kind of hazy right now. For me, we call that “the morning,” and by morning, I mean 1 p.m. Take an aspirin, drink a coffee with some hair of the dog, and get ready for your cell phone. There are going to be a lot of calls you did NOT remember making. Trust me.
Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: Someone keeps telling you what you can or cannot do. So I say: fuck ’em. Blue laws in your state? Buenos dias, tequila sunrise! Married? Heard of the movie Hall Pass? Yeah, me neither, but I have heard of Adult Friend Finder. Aw, word.
Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: There’s a serious source of discomfort in your life right now, Virgo. I recommend increasing your fiber intake and drinking lots of water. No one enjoys an inside-out asshole.
Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: Relax, breathe … and while you’re at it, do some whippits. You’re freaking the fuck out right now, so a 10-second bout of the giggles induced by a canister of joy-gas can only help.
Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: The stars are telling you to “just go with it.” I interpret this to mean that they want you to go see that whackass Jennifer Aniston/Adam Sandler movie in a second-run theatre while you give your booty call a handie in the back row.
Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: Understanding is the key to freedom. This is exactly what you will say to your roommate when she angrily wakes you up from your naked coma in a puddle of vomit in your living room on the weekend her parents are visiting.
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“So remember: It’s your hand when it’s on your arm.”
Haha, priceless. I’ll keep that in mind.
Oh no…my horrorscope is way too close to home…how does Shirley know my life???