Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: You don’t need to go on a personal spiritual journey to find peace of mind… that’s what Xanax is for. And if you don’t have a psychiatrist or health insurance, that’s what going to dinner parties at rich people’s houses with accessible bathroom cabinets is for.
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: Play with a straight bat if you want to be bowled straight balls this month. What the eff does that mean? Either that your actions this month will lead to big things, or that strap-ons lead to teabagging. Actually, those both mean the same thing already.
Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: April reveals a secret that will benefit you greatly. Hint: it involves kombucha and a cure to your chronic case of vag rot. Oops. I guess April just revealed a secret to us all that we didn’t benefit from much at all.
Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: If you have faith in your solution, you will finally be able to clear up a problem this month. That’s right, those Chinese herbs are just what you need for that pesky chancre. If you believe, any STD is curable! [Editor’s Note: actually, we’re pretty sure herpes is still forever.]
Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And you decided to wear that?
Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: This month brings you a special opportunity to achieve something great in your life. Stock up on fiber, something tells me a very special bowel movement in the shape of something holy is going to make you very famous on the internet.
Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: Don’t be afraid of new things! This is where life gets interesting and pleasing, like doing whippets while a guy… oh well, I don’t want to spoil the surprise, you’ll see.
Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: On the beach of life, it may take a moment before you can tell if the tide is in or out. And so it is with the belly buttons, and knowing if that’s an outie, or a hernia. Be zen about it. If there’s eventual crippling pain indicated, it’s probably a hernia.
Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: Saturn is both the ruler of your sign and the planet of time. Its long stay in your house of power is leading you to take control of a chaotic situation. Now’s the time to turn things around, create an agenda, and move forward in your life. Though… you DO have to catch up on Breaking Bad on Netflix… and bed is soooo comfy… sooo, maybe just one more day of slacking. Just one. I swear. We’ll hit the gym tomorrow. I promise.
Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: It’s not the shortest route you need to take, but the most effective one. Don’t resent the detours, they’re important to the process. In other words, foreplay is key, and a little bit of nip play isn’t going to kill you, is it?
Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: Don’t listen to what’s being said, but watch what’s being done. We all know certain things are “illegal,” but doesn’t someone’s “glaucoma” make it okay? Yes and yes.
Ophichus [?*&!]: This month is really going to turn your life around. APRIL FOOL’S: your life sucks.
