Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: Jupiter and Saturn are about to complete opposition, which means SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS! [Editor’s note: That’s not what that means.]
Ophichus [?*&!]: What the balls is this shit? GET THE FUCK OUT MY ZODIAC, OPHICUNT.
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: Everyone’s been all up in your shit lately. This can be frustrating, but it was you, after all, who decided it would be “fun” to post those “videos” online, so: eat it.
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: You’ve been finding yourself attracted to cartoon characters, which is totally cool if they’re the animal ones that act like humans –Max from Goof Troop is a total stud, but Pluto? Definitely a dog. Lay off the amphetamines for a week.
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: You, though, need to add more amphetamines to your routine. We both know why.
Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: You’ve been having a hard time lately, Cancer, but you do have the same name as a shitty disease, so what did you expect? Be glad you’re not homeless. Or if you are, be glad that you so mehow have internet access.
Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: Pick a card. Holy crap, Leo! Look over there! … Ok. Is this your card? No? Ah, fuck it.
Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: It’s time to change your outlook, Virgo. It’s not so much that you got a DUI as it is you’re getting back in touch with public transportation. See? Better already.
Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: Sometimes, the heart wants what the heart wants. And sometimes, you just wanna fuck. Knowing the difference between these two will help you a lot.
Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: S’up Vagittarius. You really need to stop moping around. Take those feelings of insecurity and channel them into action. Instead of feeling bitchslapped by life, it’s time to slap a bitch right back. But do it on St. Patrick’s Day so you don’t get into trouble. (See my article.)
Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: Dude, you need to relax. No one saw you do it, the alibi is airtight, and there is no suspicion at all. Unless the cops read this … then you’re FUCKED!
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Agreed: I’ve always felt gypped by the name “Cancer.” And the sign’s a dang crab: lame. At least there’s internet access. At least there’s that.
I’m a gemini, and my horoscope is *so on* this week.
I’m a cancer and the name of my sign sucks….it’s true….
Not sure if my boyfriend’s going to be very happy with my horoscope. I’ll just have to tell him, “It’s in the stars, honey. An Aquarius has to do what an Aquarius has to do. Now, pass me that web cam.”
the heart wants what it wants. apparently this includes amphetamines and animated animals. i am reevaluating my life. thanks, Shirley!