Shirley’s Bitter Horrorscopes

Shirley's Horrorscopes

 Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]  Jupiter and Saturn are about to complete opposition, which means SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS!  [Editor’s note: That’s not what that means.] 

Ophichus [?*&!]What the balls is this shit?  GET THE FUCK OUT MY ZODIAC, OPHICUNT.

Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19] Everyone’s been all up in your shit lately.  This can be frustrating, but it was you, after all, who decided it would be “fun” to post those “videos” online, so: eat it.

Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]  You’ve been finding yourself attracted to cartoon characters, which is totally cool if they’re the animal ones that act like humans –Max from Goof Troop is a total stud, but Pluto?  Definitely a dog.  Lay off the amphetamines for a week.

Gemini [May 21 – June 21]:  You, though, need to add more amphetamines to your routine.  We both know why. 

Cancer [June 22 – July 22]  You’ve been having a hard time lately, Cancer, but you do have the same name as a shitty disease, so what did you expect?  Be glad you’re not homeless.  Or if you are, be glad that you so mehow have internet access.

Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]:  Pick a card.  Holy crap, Leo!  Look over there! … Ok.  Is this your card?  No?  Ah, fuck it.

Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]:  It’s time to change your outlook, Virgo.  It’s not so much that you got a DUI as it is you’re getting back in touch with public transportation.  See?  Better already.

Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]  Sometimes, the heart wants what the heart wants.  And sometimes, you just wanna fuck.  Knowing the difference between these two will help you a lot.

Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]:  You’ve been sweatin’ this guy for a few months now, and it’s got you all twisted up in the game.  Take control back and build on your actual flexibility by doing some yoga-hybrid pole classes.  I can put my leg over my head and never got any complaints, if you know what I mean.

Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]:  S’up Vagittarius.  You really need to stop moping around.  Take those feelings of insecurity and channel them into action.  Instead of feeling bitchslapped by life, it’s time to slap a bitch right back.  But do it on St. Patrick’s Day so you don’t get into trouble. (See my article.)

Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19] Dude, you need to relax.  No one saw you do it, the alibi is airtight, and there is no suspicion at all.  Unless the cops read this … then you’re FUCKED! 

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