Pisces: Hey Pisces, that friend who you think’s depressed? Yeah, she’s got Herpes. If you didn’t want to know, you shouldn’t have asked.
Aries: You’re totally preggers. And this is confusing, because you’re a lesbian. But stranger things have happened.
Taurus: It’s gonna be one of those months, Taurus. But you know what they say: When life gives you lemons, cut them in half, grab some salt and break out the tequila. This rule applies for most days.
Gemini: Listen, Gemini. I was Robotripping and I’m sorry. But I can’t help it if the planets line up in such a way that I needed to chug a bottle of cough syrup and pass out in the laundry hamper of someone born on June 13, which happens to be my ex-husband’s birthday (Hans, lion tamer — for two days in Reno). In some countries, this is considered a sign of good luck.
Cancer: Your creative juices are flowing this month, so now’s the time to get adventurous. Get up the nerve to try that strap-on, and ask out that black guy you’ve been eyeing at the coffee shop. Ideally, you should combine these two pieces of advice.
Leo: Look alive, Leo, ‘cause some good fortune’s coming your way. The stars are aligned in your favor, so strike while the iron’s hot. Now’s the time to ask for that raise or go for that promotion. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose. It’s also a good time to be generous. (BTW, can you spot me a fifty?)
Virgo: You’re usually all anal retentive about life, but from the looks of it, this is the month you take a pinkie up your butt. It’s gotta start somewhere, sometime. And clenching up won’t help one bit.
Libra: mn dfbg n bca,kppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp [Editor’s Note: Shirley appears to have passed out on her keyboard.]
Sagittarius: You’re usually the life of the party, Sagittarius. But lately, you’ve been moping around with a stick up your ass. What’s up with that? We should start calling you Vagittarius. With whatever the fuck in retrograde, it’s time to let it all hang out. Even if you regret it, you’ll know you did the right thing when you find your panties tucked in your cowboy boot later on in the weekend. Rock ‘n Roll.
Capricorn: With your face so firmly pressed up against balls at all times, it’s become hard for you to stop and smell the roses, Capricorn. Get that cock out of your mouth and take some you time… like, write in your journal or something. Jesus. Even I take a break occasionally.
Editor’s Note: Sorry, Ophiuchus. Shirley refuses to accept you exist. It makes her brain hurt. We’ll sooth her with some whiskey and get you in next time perhaps.
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