Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: Stop worrying about recent losses and give your all to what’s lookin’ good. Second cousin Ron has really lost some weight on the slow carb diet. And he’s only a stepcousin, really.
Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: A situation is rapidly evolving and previous rules may no longer apply. Guess that means you’re no longer allergic to alcohol, and your neighbor’s kid has finally turned 18. Eh?
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: Forgiveness is the only way. That punch to the face was meant as a compliment. Take it as such, and accept the Christmas card and $50 gift certificate to T.J. Maxx already. In the past, you were lucky to get an apology gift at all.
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: A tiny intrusion into your life is going to make you a lot happier, even though you were super convinced that kind of “play” was not for you. Looks like that thumb’s a Christmas miracle!
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: Mercury’s change in direction is a sign of easier times ahead. Guess Santa’s gonna be covering your past-due student loan. And by that, I mean that rich dude who told you to call him “Santa” while you boned him after catering that holiday shindig.
Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: Have a little hope … things will get better. Remember, even if you’re stuck with family, eggnog is alcoholic, so you’re totally allowed to be wasted. It’s an evolved coping mechanism preserved from the 1950s.
Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: You’re skirting around a delicate subject lately, which seems wise. Bubbie might not be down with your recent foray into the wonderful world of Kwanzaa. Keep the menorah out for her sake.
Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: As Mercury changes direction this week, your special ability helps make an important breakthrough. Namely, when you lock yourself out of your parents’ house to smoke a joint with your brother, your double-jointedness will help you sneak back in through the cellar window.
Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: Nothing is impossible. That little baby got born in a manger to a virgin, right? Then you can totally tie a cherry stem with your tongue.
Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: Downs will give way to ups: even though you STILL didn’t get that pony after 28 years of asking, pay close attention to those lotto scratchers in your stocking.
Ophicus [?*&!]: You’re like Rudolph, only with none of the redeeming Christmas-saving qualities.
