The Lifeguard
Habitat: Often perched high in a chair for a superior vantage point, this specimen gravitates toward bodies of water, both coastal and indoor/heated.
Markings: Look for bright red swim gear on this summer dude. Polarized sunglasses are often present beneath a characteristic crop of sun-bleached hair.
Mating Calls: If not whistling at a high pitch, the lifeguard is often heard bellowing warnings such as “No Running!” or “Everybody out of the water!”
The Yachtsman
Habitat: Almost exclusively found at the helm of a sailboat, the yachtsman is a more elusive summer specimen. Occasionally these high-class boys can be espied inside a country club, feeding on shrimp cocktails and fresh mint juleps. They are commonly surrounded by cougars.
Markings: To spot a yachtsman, look for white pants and topsiders. Use your binoculars to zoom in on clothing brand. Yachtsmen often camouflage themselves in J. Crew or Lacoste brand clothing in order to blend in with their packs.
Mating Calls: Want to get a Yachtsman’s attention without scaring him away? Refer to him casually as “Old Sport” or “Chap.” Keep caviar in your pocket and offer it to him gingerly before approaching.
The Surfer Dude
Habitat: The Surfer Dude is a most territorial specimen, dwelling either in the ocean or somewhere nearby. If you’re on a beach, look around, you might sight one in the sand. Beware: Surfer Chicks are often aggressively protective of their mates.
Markings: Tan, six-pack stomach, and tattoos are common characteristics of a Surfer Dude.
Mating Calls: “Dude” and “Bro” are vocalizations commonly heard among these salty fellows.
Youth Minister in Charge of Church Youth Group’s Annual Summer Retreat
Habitat: These altruistic specimens are routinely found painting houses or overseeing the refurbishment of inner-city gardens. They are almost always surrounded by adolescents.
Markings: Generally dressed conservatively, a Youth Minister may be spotted displaying t-shirts referencing “Church of” this or “Synagogue of” that.
Mating Calls: Youth Ministers are more inclined toward stranger ethological behavior. They tend to “bless” things at a higher frequency than garden-variety males. Listen closely for overt references to the “Lord” — a sure sign that you’ve encountered a Youth Minister.
Foreign Backpacker on Holiday
Habitat: At night, these fellows nest, tightly packed, in seedy hostel habitats. During the daytime hours, find them wandering aimlessly, often lost, or at local bars attempting to mate with indigenous females.
Markings: These guys can be spotted in distinctively tight shirts, fanny packs, and odd choices of footwear. Backpackers are commonly adorned with Lonely Planet guides, Nutella, and strange haircuts. What an odd and wonderful sight the Foreign Backpacker is, disparate against an alien landscape!
Mating Calls: Accents and broken English denote this extraordinary Homo Fervidus Aestus.
So, big game huntresses, which summer hunks have you identified in your neck of the woods?
