By Peeta Mellark
If you’re anything like me, Peeta, you’ve spent most of your nights in Panem tossing and turning, wondering, “If I were bread, what kind of bread would I be?” It’s all I can think about somedays (that, and whether or not Katniss will pick me over that Miley Cyrus-loving, son-of-a-jabberyjay Gale).
I know that it’s hard to think about important things like what kind of bread you are when the Capitol’s constantly sic’ing tracker jackers and muttations on you, so I thought I’d make it easy. I made a quiz — duh! Take it, and never wonder what kind of bread you are ever again!
1. Your best friend’s name gets pulled out of the reaping ball. Oh no! What do you do?
a) You crack a joke to try to lift her spirits.
b) You try to reason with the peacekeeper who’s manhandling her.
c) You assure her she’s lucky to be representing her district.
d) You count your lucky stars that it wasn’t you!
e) You volunteer as tribute!
f) You pray that your name also gets chosen.
2. You meet your Hunger Games stylist, Cinna. He presents you with some wicked outfits, you go for the…
a) Funniest-looking one.
b) Delicately stylish one.
c) Traditional costume that truly exhibits your district’s greatest qualities.
d) The bling, the minks, and all the frilly, luxurious things!
e) A stylist? What’s a stylist?
f) Whatever will make her notice you.
3. I decorate a pretty awesome cake for you, do you…
a) Eat it whole?
b) Pair it with the right dessert wine before devouring it?
c) Immediately ask if it’s a tea cake, and if it’s tea time?
d) Delight in seeing the decadent frosting, and ask if there’s more where that came from?
e) Ask for a large glass of milk and a large fork?
f) Hope that it’s enough to make her love you?
4. If you weren’t stuck in the Arena, and could take your love out on the town, what would be your perfect date?
a) The Cheesecake Factory, followed by a night of fun dancing.
b) A picnic in the park, including some wine and relaxation.
c) A traditional dinner and a movie… perhaps, Catching Fire?
d) An extravagant night out on the town! Limousines, 5-star restaurants, the works.
e) Hanging at your favorite bar, enjoying beer and anything with bacon on it.
f) A painting session, where you paint her naked, in a beautiful pose, a la Titanic.
5. You’ve only got seconds to pick your weapon of choice from the cornucopia, you swipe…
a) The sickle. You’re resourceful. You can cut a b*tch even with a sickle.
b) The bow and arrows. They’ll never see you coming.
c) The sword. Like your father’s, and your father’s father before him.
d) The trident. Because who else has a trident? So fetch.
e) The slingshot. You can take anyone down with even the simplest weapon.
f) The camouflage gear. If they can’t see me, they can’t kill me!
6. Haymitch says he’s got sponsors to parachute something in for you. What do you want?
a) Apple butter.
b) Olive oil and vinegar.
c) Strawberry jam.
d) Brie cheese.
e) Cream cheese!
f) Something to heal your wounded heart.
Mostly A’s: Pumpernickel
Photo: foodforpoems.blogspot.com
You, my friend, are everyone’s favorite guilty pleasure. You might convince others to indulge in life’s most delicious comforts, but you’re well-meaning. You’ve got a sweet side, and your down-to-earth habits make everyone feel like they can trust you with their most intimate secrets. You might not be dripping in riches, but boy, do you have a rich heart.
Mostly B’s: Baguette
Bonjour, mon ami! To many, you come off as having an impenetrable rough exterior, but you are warm, soft and squishy inside. Truly, you are quite delicate, and a quiet interloper at every happening party. You give every meal a wink with your unassuming presence.
Mostly C’s: Crumpet
You, old mate, are incredibly traditional. You like to make sure to dot all your i’s and cross all your t’s. Though you’re sometimes uptight, you know the importance of taking a moment to relax and enjoy the present moment, especially when it involves tea!
Mostly D’s: Brioche
Photo: laurasweetspot.com
You spoiled little son-of-a-yeast! You belong in the Capitol. You like to turn your nose up at anyone who’s not decked out in Kardashian-style bling, or who hasn’t taken a tour of every Michelin Star restaurant in the world. You prefer the finest dining, and the most extravagant luxuries. Careful though, you’ll gain more enemies than allies if you keep up your loafy ways.
Mostly E’s: Bagel
Everybody loves a bagel! You’re that easy-going guy’s guy, or girl’s girl, that everyone wants to hang out with at a bar on a Friday night. You’re charming like Finnick, but playful like Rue. You know there’s no day like today, and you might as well roll with the punches. Also, you have an unusually large hole right at your center.
Mostly F’s: Pita Bread
Photo: smittenkitchen.com
You’re the best. You’re awesome. Katniss should totally marry you.
Love Always,
Peeta
