Everyone I know is juicing.
I don’t mean this in the ‘roid, Jersey shore sense of the word. The extent of my knowledge for steroids is confined to Mark McGuire (younger brother who loves baseball, and that was the only card I recognized of his collection, and gee, that guy had really big guns), and Lance Armstrong, maybe or whatever.
Everyone I know is sticking salads in blenders and calling it breakfast.
Juicing is a relatively new phenomenon to me (well, not in hippie communes like San Francisco, Los Angeles, and Greenpoint). Washington, you could say, is a bit behind the curve. But increasingly, my friends are posting Instagrams of their “green juices,” or leftover lettuce that didn’t suffice for a Caesar salad and is now being stuck in the blender. Or if you’re fancy and trendy and GOOP-y, a Vitamix chock full of Kale and condescension.
A friend of mine visiting from Silicon Valley proclaimed, as we left the steps of her Georgetown hotel, “I could really go for some green juice right now”. I had no idea what the fuck she was talking about. I know there is green beer on St. Patricks day, and I know that apple juice is yellow, so I was out of options.
Friends of mine proudly boast that they’re “getting really into juicing,” and making all sorts of organic mind-blowing creations in their Kitchenaide. “I can’t hear you, hold on, I’m blending last night’s celery,” is a common reply as I hear nothing but a whirrrrr ron the phone. It’s apparently the sound of antidioxants. Or prodioxants. Or middle of the road dioxants.
Hence, as with anything trendy (jeggings, Snuggies, wedge sneakers, having a chic meltdown a la Amanda Bynes), I decided I had to figure out why everyone was drinking green juice and how to do it myself.
I saw the prevalence of juices for the first time in Rio, where everyone is juicing on the streetcorner. Suco stands were the first to stick everything in a blender and call it acai.
The basic green juice is a mixture of green stuff you can find, not limited to apples, celery, kale (which I sort of like in my regular people salad, instead of in baby food form), other green things, green beer from St. Patricks day, and a superiority complex.
I tried my first green juice, officially, in the beach bohemia of Sayulita, Mexico. I felt instantly transformed, as if I got a spray tan, a wax, three Botox injections and drank a Five Hour Energy, all at once. It was pretty tasty.
I’ve decided that with these greens my body will run better. My skin will glow like Amanda Syfried or every Brazilian woman ever. I’ll lose ten pounds, and wouldn’t be able to relate to anyone around me that ate food in its full form. Fork? Why the hell would I need that? I just put my turkey wrap in the blender. I’m really into juicing.
The concoction of the moment is likened to getting “slimed” on Nickelodeon – a mixture of celery, apple, flax seed (incredibly delicious literal bird food), spinach, and pineapple juice. It tastes sort of gross, but also healthy. I’m halfway to Anne Hathaway in Le Mis.
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