Old Wives’ Tales, Revisited
Remember those superstitions you believed in when you were in school? Like “step on a crack and you break your mother’s back”? Well, we’re updating the list with a modern twist: here are some New Single Girls’ Tales.
We shave our palms every morning!Myth: If you masturbate, you’ll get hairy palms.
Revised: If you masturbate, you’ll get flawless, glowing skin. Who needs to be afraid of masturbating? It’s the world’s oldest and most effective form of birth control. Plus, an unsexually frustrated person is a happy person. And that comes through in the form of collagen! Myth: Break a mirror, get seven years bad luck.
Revised: Break a mirror, get a healthy dose of self-esteem. We’re too image-obsessed these days anyway … go mirror-free and live your life, my sisters! Myth: Kissing the Blarney Stone gives you the gift of gab.
Revised: Kissing the Blarney Stone gives you the gift of 10 Irishmen’s oral herpes. Encouraging putting your mouth on the same object as a stranger is irresponsible. Myth: If you get a chill up your spine, it means someone walked over your grave.
Revised: If you get a chill up your spine, someone was having a sexual fantasy about you. And it is most likely the weird guy you just bought that hot dog from at the 7-11. Myth: The number 13 is unlucky because of ancient mythical associations with evil.
Revised: The number 13 is unlucky because that’s the age you first got your period and acne. Satan probably created middle school.
Myth: If you don’t look another person in the eyes while toasting a drink, you’ll have bad sex for seven years.
Revised: If you don’t look another person in the eyes while boning, that’s probably already bad sex. Unless it’s doggie style, then it’s cool.
Revised: Hold your breath when you walk past a public bathroom to avoid breathing in evil. Especially the unisex ones on the beach. Myth: A knife as a gift from a lover means that the love will soon end.
Revised: Any shitty present from a lover means the love will soon end. “A knife? Seriously? You gave me a knife? I got you Lakers tickets!” Myth: If you sing before seven, you will cry before eleven.
Revised: If you sing before 7AM, someone will yell at you to shut the fuck up. Seriously, do you live in a goddamn animated Disney feature? Don’t be an asshole. Myth: A bride’s veil protects her from evil spirits who are jealous of happy people.
Revised: A bride’s veil protects her from the fact that she is making a terrible, terrible mistake. Oh, and the white dress? You’re not fooling anyone. They all saw the Facebook pictures from your trip to Cabo. I’M NOT JEALOUS, YOU’RE JEALOUS!!! (Cries, runs away.)
We shave our palms every morning!Myth: If you masturbate, you’ll get hairy palms.Revised: If you masturbate, you’ll get flawless, glowing skin. Who needs to be afraid of masturbating? It’s the world’s oldest and most effective form of birth control. Plus, an unsexually frustrated person is a happy person. And that comes through in the form of collagen! Myth: Break a mirror, get seven years bad luck.
Revised: Break a mirror, get a healthy dose of self-esteem. We’re too image-obsessed these days anyway … go mirror-free and live your life, my sisters! Myth: Kissing the Blarney Stone gives you the gift of gab.
Revised: Kissing the Blarney Stone gives you the gift of 10 Irishmen’s oral herpes. Encouraging putting your mouth on the same object as a stranger is irresponsible. Myth: If you get a chill up your spine, it means someone walked over your grave.
Revised: If you get a chill up your spine, someone was having a sexual fantasy about you. And it is most likely the weird guy you just bought that hot dog from at the 7-11. Myth: The number 13 is unlucky because of ancient mythical associations with evil.
Revised: The number 13 is unlucky because that’s the age you first got your period and acne. Satan probably created middle school.
Myth: If you don’t look another person in the eyes while toasting a drink, you’ll have bad sex for seven years.
Revised: If you don’t look another person in the eyes while boning, that’s probably already bad sex. Unless it’s doggie style, then it’s cool.
Revised: Hold your breath when you walk past a public bathroom to avoid breathing in evil. Especially the unisex ones on the beach. Myth: A knife as a gift from a lover means that the love will soon end.
Revised: Any shitty present from a lover means the love will soon end. “A knife? Seriously? You gave me a knife? I got you Lakers tickets!” Myth: If you sing before seven, you will cry before eleven.
Revised: If you sing before 7AM, someone will yell at you to shut the fuck up. Seriously, do you live in a goddamn animated Disney feature? Don’t be an asshole. Myth: A bride’s veil protects her from evil spirits who are jealous of happy people.
Revised: A bride’s veil protects her from the fact that she is making a terrible, terrible mistake. Oh, and the white dress? You’re not fooling anyone. They all saw the Facebook pictures from your trip to Cabo. I’M NOT JEALOUS, YOU’RE JEALOUS!!! (Cries, runs away.)
Leave a reply
Share This
