Name That Baby!

That’s right, friends: from a cloud of secrecy, Blue Ivy Carter was born unto the world, depleting mama Beyoncé’s baby-bump and raising questions about the source(s) of her name.


Like most celebrity-baby names, J-Beyby’s makes little sense to those of us without the Winners’ Circle/the Beverly Hills zip code. So we have to know: what steps make up the celebaby nomenclature?

First Name
Recall your first-ever childhood career goal.
Take just the first syllable of said career.
What’s your favorite method of coping with emotions?
Take the second syllable of that.

For example: my result is Taxfood.

Middle Name
Identify the nearest inanimate object.
Replace all hard c’s with k’s. Or, if it only has k’s, put c’s in front of said k’s.
Add “or” to the end.

My result: Krayonsor.

Now put them all together!

Taxfood Krayonsor Toro: future rehab patient/person-famous-for-no-reason!

However, grouping all celebrities into one method is ignorant, clearly, so let’s be sure to include alternative methods:

1.  What’s Your Favorite Color?

2.  Free Association: What’s the first thing that comes to mind when I say, “Bananas”?

3.  Conception: It’s like telling your kid, “Yeah, that’s right, we Did It in Delhi, Delhi.”

4.  What Would You Name Your Dream-Indie Band?

5.  The Last Two Words of the Fifth Line of Every Nicki Minaj Song.

6.  What Name Would Best Make a Club Bouncer Pee-Laugh?

7.  The Least Employable Name I Can Think Of.

8.  This Is What the Aliens Called Me As They Probed Me.