As the presidential race rages on, it seems Americans are looking for leaders who can inspire them.
Now that Modern Family is back on the air, maybe a presidential cabinet comprising TV’s funniest ensemble cast could do the trick?
Here’s what a Modern Family presidential cabinet would probably look like:
President: Claire Dunphy
President Claire Dunphy would keep our neighborhoods safe by making sure drivers follow local speed limits—which under The Dunphy Administration would be 5 mph… on a highway (and that’s just during non-school hours).
First Gentleman: Phil Dunphy
As First Gentleman, Phil would be in charge of launching bottle rockets on The White House’s front lawn. When asked by the media why he chose to use his First Gentleman platform for this purpose, Phil would reply: “Because it’s totally cool?”
Vice President: Gloria Pritchett
Whenever President Dunphy would commit a huge political gaffe, Vice President Gloria Pritchett would be sent in to distract the press with her voluptuous body and award-worthy cleavage. After just one appearance by the VP, the press would forget all about the President’s gaffe and would immediately drop their giant floppy tongues, launch their bulging cartoon eyeballs, and start shouting: “AHOOOOGAAAA!”
Second Gentlemen: Jay Pritchett
Jay Pritchett would lead a program to help one of The President’s most vital constituencies: old men who date young “ethnic” women. The program would help older men weed out the women who just want to marry them for their money, and help them find women who are genuinely interested in seeing what “old sex” is like.
Secretary of Justice: Mitchell Pritchett
As Secretary of Justice, Mitchell would use his years of experience as a lawyer to enforce American law. Then, he would use his years of experience dealing with Cameron’s flamboyant, melodramatic fits to convince Republicans to make gay marriage legal.
Secretary of Health: Cameron Tucker
Secretary Tucker would order every doctor in the country to be classically trained as a clown, affirming his belief that spreading joy and laughter is the best cure anyone could ever give. Unfortunately, the new directive would be a failure: apparently, putting together two of Americans’ greatest fears—clowns and going to the hospital—would severely decrease doctor visits.
Ambassador to the U.N.: Manny
Manny’s maturity would serve him well as the ambassador to the U.N. But his insecurities would get the best of him when he would fail to set up a date with the cute 13-year-old female ambassador from China. From then on, all of our country’s diplomatic relations with China would be conducted through awkward Facebook wall posts.
Secretary of State: Luke
Luke would help soothe anti-American sentiments in the Middle East by inviting the entire region to play modern, mutli-player video games with him. By letting the region take out all their anger through gaming, the strategy would help to decrease anti-U.S. hatred. However, it would only increase the region’s animosity towards annoying, movie-like interludes that progress a story that no one really cares about.
