Miss Anthropic’s Reality Check

MissAnthropic_Final

Dear Miss Anthropic,

My best friend, Katie, is just recently divorced.  She never wants to talk about anything else and is acting very distant.  She never wants to go out anymore.  How can I get her out of her shell and ready to move on to another guy?

Darla, San Jose, CA

Dear Wonder Wingwoman,

First, I would like to commend you on being a great friend.  Second, I want to give you my advice for all of those who are coming out of a bad relationship:  alcohol and hot guys in their early 20s.  Kidnap your friend and take her to a place with LOTS of young mancandy.  Get her wasted on tequila and watch as she grinds away with the hot beefcake.  She’ll be feeling better in no time!


Dear Miss Anthropic,

I recently moved to San Diego from Ocean City, New Jersey.  I have a friend who is constantly making fun of me for being from New Jersey.  This really hurts my feelings.  How can I get people to stop making fun of my home state?

Jennifer, San Diego, CA

Dear Jersey Shore Whore,

Are you kidding?  The only thing you can do to get people to stop making fun of your home state is to stop telling them you are from there.  You can thank the upstanding citizens of the MTV show Jersey Shore for this.  No matter what you do, people are going to associate you with Guidos and Guidettes, GTL, and all men will think you are DTF.  So think of a new home state, Snooki.  Maybe even a new home country.  Try somewhere with a better reputation, like Nigeria or Iraq.

Dear Miss Anthropic,

My friend and her ex-boyfriend broke up about a year ago.  I have been hanging out with him quite a bit lately and am starting to have feelings for him.  I told my friend and now she is angry with me.  How can I get her to understand that I have feelings for him and to be okay with it?

Angel, Canton, OH

Dear Jezebel Judas,

Two words.  You can’t.  Of all the men in the world, you had to go after your friend’s ex-boyfriend?  The fact that she is so upset about it is a clear indication that she still has feelings for the guy, which if you are true friends, you probably are already aware of.  I think you are a sneak and a skank, and you really do not deserve her as a friend if you are sneaking behind her back to see her ex.  You have broken girl code and should be banished from the tribe.


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