Miss Anthropic’s Reality Check

Dear Miss Anthropic,

I’ve been living with my boyfriend and his roommate for nine months now and his roommate is a selfish pig.  I don’t have the balls to call him out because I don’t pay rent.  How can I let him know how awful it is to live there with him?

Michelle, Lynwood, WA

Dear Furious Freeloader,

Have you told your boyfriend your concerns?  Tell him to man up and tell the self-regarding roommate how you feel.  If it’s coming from him, then it won’t be a big deal.  If he isn’t willing to do that, use your power to get your way.  And by power, I mean vagina.  You are just ‘too upset’ about the roommate’s egocentric ways to have sex tonight.  Or any night, until the situation is rectified.  If all else fails, start fucking with the roommate behind his back to make you feel better.  His toothbrush would make a great toilet brush, and I hear urine is great for men’s hair when combined with shampoo.

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Dear Miss Anthropic,

My boyfriend keeps asking me to try anal, and I am really scared and don’t want to do it.  It doesn’t even sound appealing to me at all!  How can I get him to quit bugging me about having anal sex with him?

Tanya, Long Beach, CA

Dear Penis Pincushion,

I’ve never been able to understand what fascination men have with the anus, but I recognize how annoying it must be to be constantly harassed by your man to perform this hideous act.  I would suggest consistently mentioning that you have Irritable Bowel Syndrome and try passing gas as often as possible in front of him.   If this doesn’t deter him from looking at your rectum as a sex object, then make a compromise.  You can tell him that he can put it in your butt as long as you can put something in his.  Some items I recommend are empty wine bottles, baseball bats and your shoe.  Good luck!

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Dear Miss Anthropic,

How can I be polite so that a potential boyfriend does not perceive the politeness as a weakness in character?

Rebecca, Dallas, TX

Dear Princess Propriety,

When being introduced to a potential suitor, make sure you extend your hand for a kiss and don’t forget to curtsy.  Never, ever walk ahead of a man.  You must follow behind with your head bowed.  Also, you must make sure that you never speak without the man’s permission, and you must never leave your house without his accompaniment.  Or, you can just use “please,” “thank you,” and “you’re welcome.”  It’s not rocket science.

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