Miss Anthropic’s Reality Check

MissAnthropic_Final
Dear Miss Anthropic,

This guy appears to be crazy about me one day, then he doesn’t call for a week.  Why am I not getting a call from him?  Should I contact him or wait for him to contact me?

Michelle
Tucson, AZ



Dear He’s Just Not That Into You,

I think you should text him about twenty times in the next hour.  If you don’t get a response, then you should call every hour on the hour.  If he answers, hang up.  Then you should definitely drive by his house a few times a day, just to see if he is home.  Then, if he is still ignoring you, boil his favorite pet on his stove.  That will get his attention.

Listen, crazy, there is no need to obsess over why a guy hasn’t called you.  It could be any number of things.  Maybe he is busy and hasn’t had a chance, maybe he met someone he likes more, maybe you put out too early and he thinks you’re a whore.  The fact of the matter is, you can speculate all day and will never know.  Let him come to you and stop over-analyzing the situation.


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Dear Miss Anthropic,

My boyfriend of four years won’t stop sexting and sending inappropriate instant messages to his female friends?  How can I stop this behavior?

Candace
Oceanside, CA

Dear Boyfriend Police,

First off, you should take his phone and throw it into the nearest body of water, or run it over with your car.  Demand he use pay phones and land lines.  No more cell phone for him.  Then replace his computer with an old typewriter or word processor.  He is not allowed to use the internet without supervision any longer.

Or, you can dump his disrespectful ass, as you should.  If your significant other doesn’t respect you enough to not partake in behavior that is hurtful to you, then he does not deserve you.  You can’t control him, but you can ditch his ass.  I suggest hacking into his Facebook on your way out the door and leaving a cute status update.  Something like, “Can’t wait for the Penicillin to take effect.”


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Dear Miss Anthropic,

I have a date in a couple of days with a woman I am very interested in.  I really want to impress her and make her want to go on a second date with me.  What is the best way to pay a compliment to a woman?

Shaun
Carlsbad, CA

Dear Got No Game,

Start off by telling her how astonishing her breasts look.  Then proceed to grasp at her rear-end and state to her that you can’t wait to “tap that ass.”  Women love to feel desirable.  You may also consider telling her how great her mouth will look on your penis.  Use any of these great compliments, and you are sure to get that second date!


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Have a question for Miss Anthropic?  Please submit all queries to Miss-Anthropic@comediva.com or follow Miss Anthropic on Twitter and Facebook.