Miss Anthropic’s Reality Check

Dear Miss Anthropic,

What can I do about all the sex, nudity, foul language and violence on television?

Sherry, Palmdale, CA

Dear Commander Killjoy,

I know it must be difficult and appalling for you to view these things seeing as how they don’t reflect reality at all.  Nobody curses, nudity is offensive, sex is disgusting, and humans never harm others.  I would suggest either only programming your television to religious channels, or maybe getting rid of your TV all together and simply reading the Bible or maybe some children’s books.  Or, perhaps, you can lighten the hell up and realize that violent flicks with full frontal nudity, people having sex and gratuitous use of the word “fuck” are awesome.  It may be time to loosen up that chastity belt of yours because your uptight vag needs some air.

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Dear Miss Anthropic,

I am planning to marry the love of my life next month.  His parents are great but I’m a little concerned about his relationship with his mother.  She still does my fiancé’s laundry, packs his lunches daily, and cleans his house.  What do you think?

Amber, Tustin, CA

Dear Mama’s Boy Toy,

RUN.  That’s what I think.  Does his mommy wipe his ass and shake his peepee when he’s done going potty as well?  Let me put two and two together for you.  You are either going to have to live with a mother-in-law coming to your home every day to tell you how to run your household, or you will be expected to take over as his substitute mother.  I have a strict rule for dating mama’s boys: Misplace their number and don’t marry them.  If you want to be the first priority in his life, you better let him know that it’s time to cut the umbilical cord or he can kick rocks.  You should be number one in your man’s life.

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Dear Miss Anthropic,

My girlfriend’s birthday is coming up and I don’t know what to give her. I want her to never forget the evening. Do you have any ideas?

Sal, Glendale, CA

Dear Gift That Keeps on Giving,

If you truly want your girlfriend to remember this birthday for the rest of her life, I suggest sleeping with one of her friends or maybe giving her chlamydia or herpes.  Any of these recommendations is sure to make the evening unforgettable.  Or, maybe you should just pay more attention to what your girlfriend says, idiot.  Women are constantly throwing out ideas for gifts in subtle (and not so subtle) ways.  You are an insanely oblivious douche for not noticing, and especially for asking a complete stranger who doesn’t know jack shit about what your girlfriend is into.

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