Miss Anthropic’s Reality Check

Dear Miss Anthropic,

My 8-year-old daughter is becoming difficult to discipline.  She recently stole something from the grocery store.  She has been talking back and she also hit another child at school.  I need help…

Janice

Poway, CA

Dear Moronic Matriarch,

I am thoroughly infuriated by people like you.  The best approach to disciplining your child is called PARENTING.  Perhaps you should stop appeasing your child by giving her whatever she wants.  Clearly she does not respect you as an authority figure.

If you can’t be bothered to be an assertive mother, then I suggest getting her a large crate and locking her in that.  I also find that duct tape is an effective way to keep an unruly child under control.

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Dear Miss Anthropic,

I always give a lot to my relationships, my husband, family members, and friends.  I am starting to resent this because I don’t get much back.  I hardly ever get what I really want.  What should I do?

Kellie

San Diego, CA

Dear Debbie Doormat,

Stop giving as much.  It’s as simple as that.  You also need to voice your desires.  Your family and friends aren’t mind readers.  Let your spouse know that the next time he wants a home-cooked meal, you demand a dinner out in return.  Does he want a blowjob?  Not unless he buys you something sparkly.  Any kind of relationship is give and take, and the taking is the fun part!  Or, do nothing and continue on as you have and let it slowly fester into a mental illness in which you will explode on everyone you love and alienate them.  Your choice.

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Dear Miss Anthropic,

I am six months pregnant with a baby girl.  My husband and I are having a hard time choosing a name.  What are some good names for a baby girl, and what do they mean?

Jennifer

Irvine, CA

Dear Pregnosaurus Rex,

Congratulations!  You are bringing yet another filthy child into the world.  I have created a list of my five favorite names and the meanings of the names.  Good luck popping that thing out of your vag!

Tiffany — This name was popular in medieval times and died out during the middle ages.  The name was revived with the release of the movie “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”  She is guaranteed to date older, wealthy menfolk who purchase her expensive items in exchange for sex, also known as dating a “sugar daddy.”

Candy — Comes from the English word “candy.”  You can make it especially adorable by spelling it with an “i.”  She will almost certainly end up with some serious daddy issues and have a thriving career swinging from a pole at a nudie bar.

Destiny — Means simply “destiny” or “fate.”  Her destiny is most definitely to be an actress in adult movies, genre to be determined.  Gangbang?  Anal queen?  Maybe a well-rounded porn star who does a little of everything.

Chastity — From the English word “chastity,” which is ultimately derived from the Latin “castus” meaning “pure.”  However, this girl will be anything  but chaste.  She will most likely sleep her way through high school and college and end up on an amateur porn site partaking in a frat party orgy.

Bambi — Derived from the Italian word “bambina” meaning “young girl.”  Also was a cartoon deer in the Disney movie of the same name.  Bambi will probably get abnormally enormous fake breasts and sleep with strange men for cash, also known as an “escort.”

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