That threat is here! And it’s not Justin Beiber finally hitting puberty and devastating scores of tween girls and sad older women. A former champion for good has seemingly turned to the dark side and assembled his own team of evildoers.
Once more, here are the rules for who gets to play in the shared universe:
2. They have to exist in the modern day. No characters from the future or the Old West. Technological parity.
3. Characters must be from movies or television shows.
The Kingpin: The ruthless leader. He brutally lords over his subordinates with an iron fist, is often bald and/or has a funny accent. If you displease him, you may end up as a snack for his exotic pet or cannibalistic henchman.
After losing his License to Kill for inexplicably handing over state secrets to a ravishingly beautiful double-agent that he bedded, Agent 007 is hunted by his former colleagues at MI6. He falls off the grid and vanishes. Thinking that he’s decided to retire and spend the rest of his days chasing tail in some tropical locale, they call off the chase.
Then the disappearances begin.
Someone is gathering all of the vilest scum on the planet for some nefarious reason. At first, the global intelligence community is baffled, until a security camera at Cyberdyne Systems, a major U.S. defense contractor, shows a blurry image of Bond escaping the facility after a major explosion.
Elle Driver from Kill Bill
The Lieutenant: Cruel, merciless and unabashedly evil, the second-in-command is loathed by everyone and usually meets a horrifically grisly end, much to the audience’s delight.
After narrowly surviving her final battle with the Bride at the trailer park, Elle, now with two plucked eyeballs, spends the following years mastering the art of blind-fighting. After many, many hours in training, and multiple viewings listenings to Rutger Hauer’s Blind Fury, she’s ready to take on the world. If you thought she was in a bad mood before, you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet!
Dr. Hannibal Lecter from The Silence of the Lambs
The Brains: A master strategist and manipulator, you won’t find him on the front lines, that’s for chumps.
James Bond finds Dr. Lecter snacking on passed out upper class rich boys in South America. After rescuing him from a lynch mob, Bond lures him into joining his secret quest. Given a huge laboratory, plenty of “volunteers,” and no ethical oversight, Dr. Lecter is more than happy to take orders from Agent 007. For now.
Hannibal also doubles as the cook, which turns most of the villains vegetarian after a traumatic pairing of risotto and buttcheek.
Tyler Durden from Fight Club
The Psychopath: Highly unpredictable but very efficient, he’s always good for a laugh and some bloody mayhem. You can find him cracking jokes when he’s not cracking bones or planting bombs.
Bond breaks the infamous terrorist out of a psych ward in Iowa, where he’s been housed for the last decade after a series of bombings and terror attacks. He becomes a special project of Dr. Lecter, who tries to integrate Tyler’s multiple personalities, but “accidentally” winds up forming a new, far more violent and volatile alternate. He and Elle have a disturbingly torrid sexual relationship, with lots of really icky PDA.
Whiskey from Dollhouse
The Mad Scientist: Brilliant, diabolical, scheming, stark raving mad. Need a flesh-melting spray or perhaps an exploding plutonium cigar? No problemo, just turn a blind eye to some of their more “interesting” experiments.
After “liberating” the Dollhouse imprinting technology from the Washington D.C. house, 007 uses it to create the ultimate mad scientist. With a massive library of technical know-how and the personalities and knowledge of luminaries from Dr. Frankenstein to Dr. Mengele to Dr. No dumped in her head, and all traces of compassion and humanity stripped away, the Doll known as Whiskey becomes a mix of Rain Man and Paris Hilton, churning out evil gadgets and gizmos for Bond and the team.
Storm Shadow from G.I. Joe
The Assassin: Soft-spoken and lethal, he’s a true professional who always gets the job done and never asks any questions.
Tommy Arashikage is consumed with a need for vengeance. Recognizing this, James Bond promises him information on his uncle’s killer and lures the ninja assassin away from Cobra. Storm Shadow brings a large collection of stylish white suits to the table, as well as some pretty badass swordsmanship. He tries to walk a fine line and follow orders while maintaining his sense of personal honor, as well as pick up lots of hot chicks.
The Terminator (T-800) and Chucky from Child’s Play
The Engine of Destruction: An atomic bomb on two legs. When the subtler solution ain’t quite getting the job done, it’s time for some scorched earth!
In 1984, parts of a crushed cybernetic entity were recovered by military contractor Cyberdyne Systems. Over the next three decades, they were able to reverse engineer enough of the technology to build a robotic soldier, armed with cutting edge weaponry. However, Judgment Day has yet to happen, so the refurbished T-800 is missing a driver. Enter: Chucky.
New Jersey native, serial killer and white voodoo practitioner Charles Lee Ray thought that he was cursed to spend the rest of his existence trapped in a child’s doll. That is, until 007 convinces him that he was very literally thinking too small. Why toddle around in a Good Guy doll when you can just as easily move your soul into a walking tank?
Count Dracula
The Monster: Ancient and incredibly evil, he follows his own agenda, but sticks around to feed on wayward lackeys.
Narcissistic, deadly and imperious, the Count agrees to work with Bond for one reason, and one reason only: to hunt down and make Buffy Summers his undead servant. Promised the blood of a Slayer, he mostly toes the line and follows his fearless leader’s orders, but not without a ton of attitude and a great big helping of gothic emo-ness.
