In other words: Some guys are just so cool, you want to fuck them. Well, not really. Okay, really.
Looking deep into parts of my soul I’d rather avoid, I’ve come up with a list of men who I admire. I’m not afraid to admit that I’d look each of these men in the eye and say, “I don’t want to fuck you … I want to fuck your talent.”
5. Jonathan Brandis & Chuck Norris
Sidekicks. In 1992, the man, the myth, the legend, Chuck Norris, descended from on high and appeared in this motion picture, alongside young rising star, Jonathan Brandis. After seeing Brandis’ portrayal of asthmatic geek Barry on VHS, nothing would ever be the same. It may have been the scene where Barry hallucinates that Chuck is climbing a rope with him in gym class, his budding romance with the chick from “The Wonder Years” (yes, Winnie Cooper), or just Chuck Norris’ kind eyes, but immediately after Barry and Chuck save the day, I was compelled to start training in Karate. Almost 20 years later, I owe much of who I am today to these two men. Plus, Brandis went on to ride around in a Deep Submergence Vehicle and Norris became a meme. That sounds pretty damn fuckable!
4. Gordon Ramsay
Power is attractive. So’s the ability to create delicious plates of gourmet cuisine. So’s the ability to make grown men and women quake in fear of your disapproval. It’s no wonder I can’t take my eyes off the blue-eyed devil who rules “Hell’s Kitchen.” I have to admit to feeling a tingling sensation in my nether-regions whenever Ramsay screams “It’s RAW!!!” to one of the mutant wannabe chefs he’s torturing, errr, judging. And the man’s passion is a total turn-on. When Hell’s Kitchen was serving a large group of kids, and contestants tried to slip sub-standard food past him, he gave them a withering look and screamed, “You OBVIOUSLY don’t care about THE CHILDREN!” Plus, he’s British. That’s hawt.
3. Mr. Miyagi
Move aside, Daniel-san! Who wouldn’t want to boff the badass sensei and WWII vet, Keisuke Miyagi? Many an impressionable young mind dreamed of being initiated into the mysterious world of the martial arts by his firm yet gentle touch. Not only can the dude catch flies with chopsticks and smash glass bottles with his bare hands, he shows his sensitive side (and impressive green thumb!) by creating beautiful and intricate bonsai plants. He can trim my bush anytime!
2. Howard Stern
The King of All Media. The greatest interviewer of our times. Chronicler of the bizarre and unspoken truths of our society. Harvester of D-list celebrities’ souls. No other broadcaster has had such a profound impact on our culture and entertainment. How could I be so bold? I will argue this to the death with you. YES, to the death. And my verbal sparring has claimed many a life. Stern once said sex with him was like making love to a praying mantis. The good news is, only female praying mantii eat their partner’s heads after climax, so we can fuck for years on end.
1. Joss Whedon
“Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”
“Angel.”
“Firefly.”
“The Astonishing X-Men.”
I’m already turned on…
And now, The Avengers?
My god, if I had a womb, I’d have this man’s babies!
***
Honorable Mention:
1. Sho’nuff, the Shogun of Harlem
Who’s da master?
‘Nuff said.
