When the nefarious Weapon X project laced Wolverine’s skeleton with the metal to create a new super soldier, à la Captain America, they were taken by surprise when his heretofore hidden bone claws, which they helpfully coated in super-hard, super-sharp Adamantium, killed them all to death, allowing the naked and crazed mutant to escape into the Canadian wilderness while only wearing a bizarre helmet and gizmos strategically placed to cover his genitals.
Since then, Wolverine has put his claws to frequent use, usually for the purpose of fighting evil supervillains and impressing chicks in bars. However, having 12-inch long, indestructible metal blades jutting from your hands can be pretty useful in unexpected ways.
Surprising Use #1: Spearfishing
Forgot your fishing gear at home? No problem, take a swim and spear some fishies! Plus, with six blades, your odds of catching something just sextupled! How hot is that?
Surprising Use #2: Emergency Surgery
After the Silver Samurai plunges his katana into Wolverine’s belly, the grouchy Canuck decides that the quickest way to solve this dilemma is to separate the Samurai from his sword-arm. Operating rooms are for wussies. Anesthesia? Mutant, please!
Surprising Use #3: Food Preparation
Slicing some lunch meats? Wolverine can get three cuts for the price of one! And don’t even ask about mincing.
Surprising Use #4: Anti-Bullying
Do jerks try to pick on you because of your odd choice of hairdo and small stature? Is that big oaf at the bar causing a ruckus? Sick and tired of that gangbanger on the corner mad-doggin’ you? Give that bully a taste of cold metal justice!
Surprising Use #5: Paper Shredding
Still using an electric shredder to dispose of your sensitive documents? Why run up your power bill? Just Wolverine them!
Surprising Use #6: Kink
Feeling a little blah in the bedroom? Get some claw action going! What better way to tell your partner how much you’re into them than SIX huge scars on their backs!
Surprising Use #7: Can Opener
We all know that Wolverine loves to be in his cups. The man never turns down a pint. Does he have to worry about opening beer bottles or cans of Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom soup? Hell to the no!
Surprising Use #8: Interior Decorating
One of the many bonuses of having an indestructible, metal-laced skeleton is that even after you’re dead and gone, dem bones will always be shiny and appealing. What better way to give your abode some zing than a Wolverine skeleton in the corner? It’s functional art, too! You can hang six hats on the claws, or ties, the possibilities are endless!
Surprising Use #9: Fashion Design
Need to make a last-minute alteration seconds before your model heads down the runway? Pop a claw and slash away! That Wolverine is such a cut-up!
Surprising Use #10: Synergy
After Disney purchased Marvel Comics, every Marvelite has been waiting with bated breath for corporate interference to mess with their favorite funnybooks. But Wolverine can beat ’em to the punch and show the House of Mouse exactly why he’s the best there is at what he does. But what he does best isn’t very nice. Just ask Mickey.
