The After Party: In the Waiting Line

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In a hallway off the bar area, a line of women snakes around the corner.  Among those in the line are Lucille Ball, Amelia Earhart, Marilyn Monroe, and Mother Teresa.  Cleopatra walks up in full Egyptian glory.  She balks at the line. 

Illustration by Candace Lewis

Cleopatra:  Seriously?

Mother Teresa:  Move it to the back.

Cleopatra:  Don’t get your nun panties in a bunch.

Mother Teresa:  Excuse me?

Cleopatra:  What are you even doing here?

Mother Teresa:  What do you think?  I’ve been doing car bombs since happy hour.

Cleopatra:  Aren’t you some kind of “saint”?

Mother Teresa:  You use air quotes on me?

Cleopatra:  I’m just saying.  Hell is the feeling of always having to pee, so shouldn’t you be someplace else?

Mother Teresa:  You want to start something?

Cleopatra gets in her face.

Cleopatra:  I ain’t scared.

Cleopatra starts removing her bracelets and arm bands.  She hands them to Amelia.

Amelia (to Lucille):  Should we stop this?

Lucille:  We should put money on it.  Mine’s on the nun.

Amelia:  She’s gonna get schooled.  Cleo fights dirty.

Lucille:  M.T. is street.

Mother Teresa:  Calcutta, baby!  Represent.

She pounds her chest.  Cleopatra yanks her habit.  Mother Teresa head-butts her.  All the women in line cheer.  Cleopatra puts Mother Teresa in a head-lock.  They grapple.

Lucille:  Give her the Asp!

Mother Teresa bites Cleopatra’s arm.  Marilyn Monroe suddenly appears.  She muscles her way in between them.

Marilyn:  Break it up.  BREAK IT UP, ladies!

Amelia pulls Mother Teresa away and holds her back.  Mother Teresa hisses at Cleopatra.  Cleopatra smirks as she fixes her jewelry.

Cleopatra (to Marilyn):  Hello, Mary.

Marilyn:  Cleo.  Can’t you even pee without starting something?

Cleopatra:  I was trying to.

Marilyn:  Just go to the back of the line.

Cleopatra moves away.  Marilyn surveys the line.

Marilyn:  How long have you all been standing here?

Lucille:  Somewhere between the fall of the Roman Empire and the Apocalypse.

Amelia:  You know, back in my fly days, the government designed a special diaper for my solo run across the Atlantic.

Lucille:  Too much.

Amelia:  It was a miracle of technology!  That’s a 20-hour trip.  I’ll bet you wish you all had one now.

Lucille:  That’s it.  I’m using the men’s room.

Lucille opens the door.  The three men at the urinals in there protest.

Lucille:  Oh, stop.  Seen it, seen it, and save it for later.

She shuts the door.  Marilyn knocks on the ladies’ room.  No answer.

Marilyn:  Does anyone know who’s in there?

Mother Teresa:  Does anyone know why there’s only one stall for women?

Marilyn:  No more car bombs for you, Feisty.

The restroom door finally opens.  Jimi Hendrix, Jezebel, and John Belushi emerge.  Everyone stares.

Amelia:  Ew.

Mother Teresa:  God, you’re square.

She shoves her way through and locks the bathroom door.

Marilyn:  I’m surprised there’s no Elvis.

The door opens and a fat Elvis slinks out sheepishly.

Mother Teresa:  Pervert!

Elvis:  Sorry.

Cleopatra elbows her way back to the front of the line.

Cleopatra:  Jez, you whore!

Marilyn:  Pot, kettle.

Cleopatra:  We had a deal.

Jezebel:  Hey, I don’t plan the parties.  I just show up.

Jimi, Jezebel, John and Elvis walk off.

Cleopatra:  She so deserved getting thrown out that window.

Amelia:  Is that how she died?  You know, when my plane crashed, the last thing to go through my head was the propeller.

They stare at her.

Amelia:  Too much?

 

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