1. Throw a Bumpin’ Party
Unfortunately, if your house arrest is anything like mine, you’ll be wearing an ankle alcohol-monitoring device, so you’ll have to put out some buzz-free drinks. I suggest sparkling apple cider, because it makes you look fancy. The most important aspect of throwing this party? DO NOT let any ugly or poor people in. Yuck!
2. Make Thousands of Dollars
Why not make thousands for only 18 seconds of your life? I got a great gig endorsing a website that I’m pretty sure doesn’t really exist. All I had to do was sit on my couch, say two lines, and now I’m rollin’ in the dough! You know, I don’t really need to save that cash, so I’m going to put it into something useful: buying more patio furniture! (I’m sure as hell not giving it to my lawyer, because look where her “law degree” got me!)
3. Do Some Soul-Searching
All this time at home has really allowed me to reflect and work on my needs. You know, real soul-searching. But I’m not talking about that boring, philosophical, intellectual stuff (ew!). I’m talking about the FUN stuff, like catching up on Keeping Up with the Kardashians, deciding who I would rather date from Gossip Girl, and making sure I never wear the same clothes twice (that’s right: clothes — what do you think I am, a farmer?). Then, of course, blogging about every thought that enters my drug-damaged brain and emailing all my friends (the ones who don’t email me back are probably just jealous).
4. Hit on Your Brother’s Cute Friends
I was super bummed when they wouldn’t let me go to my little brother’s birthday party. I guess they call it “house arrest” for a reason. I seriously do not get the United States’ legal system. I thought once you reach a certain income, you didn’t have to follow laws anymore, or something. I do have to admit that the only reason I wanted to go was to hit on his cute friends. WHATEVER! I’ll invite them all over for my next barbecue, but only if they bring the hot dogs, hamburgers, potato salad, plates, coals, ketchup, mustard…
5. Go to College Online
Just kidding! Who needs college when I can make insane amounts of money just from sitting on my couch?
House arrest really hasn’t been so bad. Actually, it’s a good excuse to bum around at home and not do anything too productive, because I wouldn’t want people to get the wrong idea. If you think there is a better way I could be spending my time, go watch Mean Girls, THEN tell me I’m doing something wrong.
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As weeeellll!
Hehe. Love the hits on the legal system as well.