Part Four: “Liam and the Quack of Sympathy”
by Liam the Duck
Mildred was sitting contemplating her sexuality as she was being rigorously thrust about by seven men that Friday evening. How she was going to break up with her girlfriend, she did not know. She also was unaware that the ducks in the pond in St. Stephen’s Green were all nearly dead and that they did not give two shits and a giggle about her romantic situation. She was certainly not aware of the interior monologue of Liam, who at the very same moment was contemplating the remains of a stale bagel beneath a park bench and also the concept of phenomenology. Mildred thought, “I need more wine,” as a man named Henry was sticking it to her from behind. Henry needed no more wine. Henry thought for a brief moment Mildred might be a lesbian; he was correct in this assumption. But, reader, you already know that. What you don’t know, however, is that at this very moment Anna came into the room with an AA pamphlet in hand.
The following breakup scene wasn’t quite as dramatic as you might think; however, the backdrop to it was rather … entertaining. Anna’s shrieks of sadness from betrayal were no match for the moans of the orgiests’ vocalizations. Mildred, naked and sweaty, clamored to find excuses, but if you, kind reader, recall how it feels to be naked, sweaty and guilty of crimes unmentionable, you will know there’s not much that you can say. As such and as it was so late in the night that it had become morning, Anna stormed off to her usual hangout of coffee shop in search of solace, which she found at the bottom of several mini-bottles of Jameson’s. And that was the day she met Sandra.
Sandra had shown up at work incredibly drunk from her night job. This was not a rare occurrence as she was employed as a bar maid at the pub beneath her apartment. It was permitted a late license so Sandra’s work nights did not generally end until somewhere along the lines of three in the morning. Thusly, when she arrived at six to commence work she could still feel the drinks that drunk customers had bought her coursing through her veins. It wasn’t a bad feeling. You know what it’s like, reader, to wake up at five in the morning. But do you know how it feels to wake up at five rather intoxicated and with a full day ahead? Everyone has his poison.
At that particular moment, Liam was perched on the windowsill of Jeremy’s apartment watching BBC news. He was having panic attacks about Avian Flu and was wondering if his decision to move from Belfast to Dublin was a good one. He had hitched a cheap Ryanair flight by sneaking into the plane cabin, cleverly hidden in the canal of the jet’s landing gear. His leg ached and he thought it was deep vein thrombosis. Liam was something of a hypochondriac, albeit he did carry typhoid.
Anna was in quite a state. It was to be a very long day for everyone involved, including Liam, who thought he was about to keel over from a blood clot that he was sure had migrated to his left wing. He quacked in dismay. Jeremy at this point was sound asleep as he had passed out in front of his television, leaving Liam in even greater dismay when he rolled over on the controller and accidentally changed the channel from The Office to MTV’s Jersey Shore.
The rest, reader, you know is history. Anna got drunk and got Sandra. Jeremy got drunk and got dumped. Liam observed this all very soberly, though in the end he wasn’t entirely certain how to feel about the entire situation, sitting there watching Jeremy on the park bench. He would have liked to make a snarky comment, but even Liam experienced sympathy for our dear Jeremy. He offered nothing but a quack.
Liam, a true sage and wry observer for this confusing modern era – Britton Hadden and Dante Alighieri rolled into one impossibly wise, and potentially delicious duck. Hopefully he will return for more observations on the mores of this age!