In today’s fast-paced society, many people are hesitant to bring a child into the world. After all, what if you’re a terrible parent? What if you lose your job and you can’t afford to buy that expensive European baby food that your boss’s obnoxious wife is always yapping about? What if your spouse dies in a freak bus accident and you’re left to be a single parent all by yourself — SEE?! This is exactly why you don’t take public transportation – it’s not because you’re a snobby germaphobe!
Relax. Parenthood can be scary and it’s completely natural to feel a little hesitant. But the truth is, having a child can be a rewarding experience for both you and the child. Children can enhance your life in many different ways, but I’m going to focus on the top 5 reasons you should have a child.
1. You can have them make your clothing for free!
Tired of paying for overpriced sweatpants from The Gap? No problem, if you have a kid, you can make him do it for free! Don’t give in to corporate America and contribute to illegal child labor conspiracies. Get a child and start your own — you’ve always wanted to own your own business!
2. Children make excellent therapists!
You don’t need to pay some post-menopausal, recently divorced, and slightly balding therapist to listen to your problems. You can get a kid who will listen to you chirp on about your daddy issues for hours on end! This especially works great with infants. If they don’t know how to talk, how will they interrupt you?
3. Kids are awesome if you’re looking to score chicks!*
While a lot of chicks are into small dogs that look like rats, all of them will swoon when they see you with a baby in a stroller. Most women are attracted to men with babies because it makes them think those men are mature, responsible, protective, and providing. Who cares if you’re none of those things. You only need to get laid until you get over your ex – that stupid bitch.
*Babies in Halloween costumes are known to attract double the usual 10 to 13 women in a public environment.
4. You can get into Chuck E. Cheese’s without being shunned by society … unlike last time.
Thanks to all the awkward teenage beatdowns on YouTube, Chuck E. Cheese’s has been cracking down on the NO ADULTS WITHOUT CHILDREN policy. That’s why you should have some children of your own and take them to Chuck E. Cheese’s, where a kid can be a kid … and you can, too. Good job, Chuck E. Cheese’s! Way to keep out sketchy adults!
5. You can trick that guy who doesn’t love you into being in your life forever!
Sometimes, it’s hard to make someone love you, but if you accidentally get pregnant, he’ll be forced to see you for the rest of his life! Plus, he’ll be stuck with a hairy baby that looks like a mini version of you. Eventually he’ll cave … right?
