We all know from drunken nights with friends that there are some things that can make, or break, a glorious karaoke experience. The rules are sometimes obvious, sometimes counter-intuitive, and often self-contradictory: it is both a science and an art. Read and learn.
DON’T:
Sing Rap*: Rap isn’t singing and is a cop out. Awkward white guys will do Limp Bizkit to avoid trying to match a tone. People will feel assaulted by your lame barking, whereas if you really went for it and sang that Blues Traveler song you were considering, you would have been a folk hero.
* Rap that is melodic doesn’t count: Blackstreet, for example, can bring down the house. Also, if you are a small Asian girl, you singing rap is hilarious and you should.
Sing 10x in a Row: So you bribed the DJ, and now he’s putting you way up in the order ahead of everyone else. Fun for you … but inciting deep-seeded resentment in everyone else. If the joint is dead, sing all you want. If there’s an hour-long wait list, give other people a chance. No one likes singing to a hostile crowd. (This is especially true if you’re the DJ: no one wants to hear you sing “Pumped Up Kicks” while waiting for their turn at the mic. We came here to sing, not watch you. Ass.)
Sing “American Pie,” “Rapper’s Delight,” “Bohemian Rhapsody”: Any song that takes over five minutes is a definite karaoke party foul. “Alice’s Restaurant” may also be considered a no, unless you are so fucking amazing at it that no one will care, but it had better be your birthday. “Rapper’s Delight” is fun for nostalgia for the first minute, but then people get angry when it never ends. Plus, it’s rap; we’ve already discussed this. Everyone likes Queen, so there are special exceptions for “Bohemian Rhapsody.”
DO:
Sing “Bohemian Rhapsody” as a Duet: It’s a little fascist to take over the mic for five minutes singing something maniacal like B.R. But, if you do it with a pal, you’re sharing focus and can save up your energy to thrash your head like a champion in the last section of the song. Everyone in the crowd will be singing along (it’s irresistible!) and, technically, you’re just singing the length of a regular song, since you’re sharing the stage.
Sing ’90s Music: If you’re at a loss and not confident about your abilities, look towards the ’90s. A boy band tune from *NSync, a ballad from Britney, angry Alanis, some old Pearl Jam sung incomprehensibly: everyone loves a throwback, and you’ll have the boost of confidence when everyone else is singing along with you.
Sing With Abandon: Nothing is worse than someone mumbling awkwardly into the mic. When you’re up there, anything goes. Maybe it’s in a Thai restaurant and half the lyrics are missing, or you realize, “I don’t know this song at all!” This is YOUR TIME. Own it, do it up, dance like a maniac, and if you sing terribly (but with commitment, everyone will appreciate you.
DON’T:
Sing Rap*: Rap isn’t singing and is a cop out. Awkward white guys will do Limp Bizkit to avoid trying to match a tone. People will feel assaulted by your lame barking, whereas if you really went for it and sang that Blues Traveler song you were considering, you would have been a folk hero.
* Rap that is melodic doesn’t count: Blackstreet, for example, can bring down the house. Also, if you are a small Asian girl, you singing rap is hilarious and you should.
Sing 10x in a Row: So you bribed the DJ, and now he’s putting you way up in the order ahead of everyone else. Fun for you … but inciting deep-seeded resentment in everyone else. If the joint is dead, sing all you want. If there’s an hour-long wait list, give other people a chance. No one likes singing to a hostile crowd. (This is especially true if you’re the DJ: no one wants to hear you sing “Pumped Up Kicks” while waiting for their turn at the mic. We came here to sing, not watch you. Ass.)
Sing “American Pie,” “Rapper’s Delight,” “Bohemian Rhapsody”: Any song that takes over five minutes is a definite karaoke party foul. “Alice’s Restaurant” may also be considered a no, unless you are so fucking amazing at it that no one will care, but it had better be your birthday. “Rapper’s Delight” is fun for nostalgia for the first minute, but then people get angry when it never ends. Plus, it’s rap; we’ve already discussed this. Everyone likes Queen, so there are special exceptions for “Bohemian Rhapsody.”
DO:Sing “Bohemian Rhapsody” as a Duet: It’s a little fascist to take over the mic for five minutes singing something maniacal like B.R. But, if you do it with a pal, you’re sharing focus and can save up your energy to thrash your head like a champion in the last section of the song. Everyone in the crowd will be singing along (it’s irresistible!) and, technically, you’re just singing the length of a regular song, since you’re sharing the stage.
Sing ’90s Music: If you’re at a loss and not confident about your abilities, look towards the ’90s. A boy band tune from *NSync, a ballad from Britney, angry Alanis, some old Pearl Jam sung incomprehensibly: everyone loves a throwback, and you’ll have the boost of confidence when everyone else is singing along with you.
Sing With Abandon: Nothing is worse than someone mumbling awkwardly into the mic. When you’re up there, anything goes. Maybe it’s in a Thai restaurant and half the lyrics are missing, or you realize, “I don’t know this song at all!” This is YOUR TIME. Own it, do it up, dance like a maniac, and if you sing terribly (but with commitment, everyone will appreciate you.
