1. Justin Bieber
Esta semana, Justin Bieber came out with his first music video for the holidays.
Ay, no! Biebermania is finally taking over our beloved holiday season! We must stop this prepubescent, ambiguously lesbian, international singing sensación from taking over the sanctity of Navidad!
Boycott:
Any and all “Bieberization” of the holidays you see, como:
– “Swagger Clause,” or a Santa Clause who has been taught by a “Swagger Coach” to act cooler by leaning back when he walks, wearing hoodies and baseball caps, and saying “hello” to others by lifting his chin como un cholo.
– Having an iPad displaying the words “Never Say Never” in lieu of a star at the top of your Christmas tree.
– Bastardizing every holiday canción with a “Bieberism” como: “Oh Little Town of Beiberhem,” “Rudolph, the Reindeer With the Sideswept Bangs,” “I Saw Mommy Kissing Justin Bieber (And Then Getting Arrested For It),” “Oy, Come All Ye Beliebers,” “It’s Starting to Look a Lot Like Biebermas,” and “Let It Snow, Baby! Let It Snow, Baby! Let it Snow, Baby! Baby, Oh!”
2. Giving What’s Happening Across the World a Boring Name
Hermanas, The Occupy Wall Street movimiento has spread globally and this has led journalists to do what they always do when faced with an evento that’s so complicado and so far-reaching that it can’t fit under one, all-encompassing term — they’re giving it a name.
They’re calling it The Great Disruption, or The Big Shift, or The Great Restoration.
En serio, gente? If we’re gonna give what’s happening around el mundo a name, we can do better than these frases that could be used for a middle school lunch fight, a bowel movement, and a kitchen remodeling.
Boycott:
Boycott all boring nombres given to today’s global movimiento. Instead, come up with your own, como:
– The ’60s 2.0
– The Big Flipping-Off of the Wealthy as They Cut Us Off On the Free-Market-way
– The Great “De-Friending” of Corporaciónes
– The Great Throwing of La Chancla de Los Pobres at the Rich
– iAngry 4S (4S = For Sure)
– The Year Everyone Remembered That “Social Networking” Is Supposed to Happen En Persona
3. Your Vagina
The Guardian recently reported that Aesthetic Vaginal Cirugia is one of the fastest growing cosmetic procedures in the U.S. Es verdad, plastic surgery for your “puss in boots” is becoming more popular than ever!
Quien habia pensado that our lady parts had low self-esteem, verdad?
Boycott:
To remind our “muffins” that they’re perfectos just the way they are, boycott any special treatment that you give your “vadge,” como:
– Giving your vagina cute names, como “Ariel” or “Nobel Peace Prize-Winning Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf.”
– Giving your vagina “The Rachel” haircut.
– Reading your vagina bedtime cuentos about the wild, whimsical adventures of Princess Ovary and her journey to find true love’s kiss from Prince Charming Scrotum.
