Recently, Patti Stanger, the matchmaker on Bravo’s The Millionaire Matchmaker, told a gay man who was looking for a committed relationship that there was no “curbing the gay man” and that the caller should
just give up on finding a boyfriend and go on Grindr (an online gay hook-up site).
Some of Comediva’s gay writers were shocked (and slightly aroused) to hear Patti basically say that gay people are sluttier than straight people.
But you’ve got it all wrong, Patti! It’s the other way around.
Here are just a few reasons that prove that straight people are at times sluttier than gay people:
1. You can’t go a week without a married politician tweeting his ass crack to a 15-year-old girl in Omaha.
2. How about a new celebrity couple splitting nearly every day after the woman (or man) finds out they can score an even hotter celebrity hunk (or babe) with even more GQ (or Vogue) covers and 10 times the amount of freakishly flawless dimples (or lower back tats)?
3. Scientists have noted that overpopulation is a huge contributor to climate change—but who do you think made all those babies contributing to overpopulation? Straight people did. (Seriously, put on a frakkin’ condom, straighties!)
4. Two words: Charlie Sheen.
5. One date: 1969.
6. The fact that straight people invented the “afternoon delight.” Please, gay people don’t have sex in the afternoon. If they’re in shape, they’re too busy working out at the gym at that time — and if they’re out of shape: they’re too busy eating California rolls dipped in soy sauce.
7. The fact that, while gay people are risking everything, fighting tooth and nail for the right to marry and be in a lifelong committed relationship with the person they love, straight people are figuring out ways to lease each other out — with an option to cancel the agreement after the end of two years.
8. The first five-minutes of every Sex and the City episode.
9. Pretty much every Reality TV Show ever produced.
10. The fact that straight people invented The Kama Sutra. Come on. Who sits around and spends hours thinking up 64 different sexual acts to perform with their partner? You got that right: STRAIGHT PEOPLE. Please, gay people have trouble trying out more than three sexual acts before their 15 minutes are up — and they’re back in their clothes and on the couch watching Project Runway.
11. Finally, despite the fact that straight people are straight, they still want to sleep with gay people. Yeah, you heard that right. According to OkCupid, an online dating site, 1 in 3 straight women have said they’ve hooked up with another woman, and about 13 percent of straight men have reported hooking up with other men. Let’s be honest: almost no gay man has ever — ever — been even slightly turned on by the vagina, and nearly no lesbian ever once craved the penis.
So Patti, are gay people as slutty as you think they are? Or are straight people officially the sluttiest mammals on the planet?
Number 6 is my favorite.