If Your Web Browsers Were Your Employees

Source: CatholicYouthChoir.org

Safari
Number of Years Employed: 9
Wardrobe: A monk’s robe
Position: Director of Design

He’s organized, well groomed, straightforward, “Zen-like” and very quiet.  At first, you thought this made him a model employee, but then you realized just how high maintenance he really was: he requires you to install things like an espresso machine (and other “plug-in” appliances) in order to keep him working properly.  He insists that he can’t play streaming videos without first having his morning cappuccino, and you’re like “WTF!?”

Firefox
Number of Years Employed: 8
Wardrobe: An Abercrombie & Fitch polo
Position: Customer Relations Manager

He spends most of his time working out at the company gym, desperately trying to look as desirable as possible for you.  He’s the first to get hammered at office parties — crashing at your place more times than you’d like to admit.  Finally, his habit of updating his hairstyle and entire wardrobe nearly every month makes you suspect that he’s overcompensating for something.  (A tiny “cache” maybe?)

Google Chrome
Number of Years Employed: 3
Wardrobe: A red T-shirt
Position: Production Manager

He gets things done incredibly fast and does his job very well.  But you’re pretty sure that’s because he’s on crack.   Still, you don’t want him to take a drug test because then, if you do find out that he’s on crack, you might have to fire him and then hire 10 other employees to take his place.  The other problem: sometimes he does crazy, random shit like pee in a trashcan in the middle of the office, leaving you to cry out: “Oh, come on, Chrome! Why would you do that?”

Opera
Number of Years Employed: 16
Wardrobe: A pantsuit
Position: Office Temp

She’s been working her butt off for the last 16 years, hoping to one day be offered a promotion — or at least a full-time position, for fuck’s sake.  You better stop dissing her because the blatant favoritism you’ve shown all your other employees (while you keep overlooking her) has got her thinking of filing a lawsuit against you for workplace discrimination. (The fact that you still mistakenly call her “Oprah” instead of Opera isn’t helping either, by the way.)

Internet Explorer
Number of Years Employed: 17
Wardrobe: Bifocals and corduroy pants
Position: Supply Manager

He’s your veteran employee, working for you even before you knew what the hell you were doing on the Internet.  He’s so self-sufficient now that he works in an office in your building that’s far away from everyone else.  The biggest problem is that you haven’t seen him for years, and you keep forgetting he still works for you.  Even though you hear he’s still around, you half-suspect he died in his office weeks ago, and no one has thought to look into his office to find his decaying body.